Why will I have a son? Gender of the child - is it so important? Excellent prevention of parental perfectionism
I will tell him from the age of three: “Darling! You don’t have to become an engineer. You don’t have to be a lawyer. It doesn’t matter what you become when you grow up. Do you want to be a pathologist? Cheers! A football commentator? Please! A clown in mall? Great choice!"
And on his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty, balding clown with smudges of makeup on his face and say: “Mom! I’m thirty years old! I’m a clown in a shopping center! Is this the kind of life you wanted for me? What were you thinking, mom, when you said Me, what higher education not necessary? What did you want, mom, when you allowed me to play with the boys instead of math?”
And I’ll say: “Darling, but I followed you in everything, I didn’t want to put pressure on you! You didn’t like math, you loved playing with the younger kids.” And he will say: “I didn’t know where this would lead, I was a child, I couldn’t decide anything, and you, you, you ruined my life,” and rubbed his lipstick across his face with his dirty sleeve. And then I will stand up, look at him carefully and say: “So it’s like this. There are two types of people in the world: some live, and the second are looking for someone to blame. And if you don’t understand this, then you’re an idiot.”
Or not. Someday I will have a son, and I will do the opposite. I’ll tell him from the age of three: “Don’t be an idiot, Vladik, think about the future. Learn mathematics, Vladik, if you don’t want to be a call center operator all your life.”
And on his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty, balding programmer with deep wrinkles on his face and say: “Mom! I’m thirty years old. I work at Google. I work twenty hours a day, Mom. I have no family. What were you thinking, mom, when you said that good job will make me happy? What were you trying to achieve, mom, when she made me learn math?”
And I will say: “Darling, but I wanted you to get a good education! I wanted you to have every opportunity, dear." And he will say: "Why should I have these opportunities if I'm unhappy, Mom? I walk past clowns at the mall and I envy them, Mom. They are happy. I could have been in their place, but you, you, you ruined my life,” and he rubs the bridge of his nose under his glasses with his fingers. And then I will stand up, look at him carefully and say: “So it’s like this. There are two types of people in the world: those who live, and those who complain all the time. And if you don't understand that, then you're an idiot."
He'll say "oh" and faint. Psychotherapy will take approximately five years.
Or differently. Someday I will have a son, and I will do the opposite. I will tell him from the age of three: “I’m not here to repeat anything. I’m here to love you. Go to dad, dear, ask him, I don’t want to be extreme again.”
And on his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty, balding director with Central Russian melancholy in his eyes and say: “Mom! I’m thirty years old. I’ve been trying to get your attention for thirty years, Mom. I dedicated ten films and five performances to you. wrote a book about you, mom. It seems to me that you don’t care. Why didn’t you ever express your opinion? Why did you always send me to dad?”
And I will say: “Darling, but I didn’t want to decide anything for you! I just loved you, dear, and we have dad for advice.” And he will say: “Why the hell do I need daddy’s advice if I asked you, mom? I’ve been seeking your attention all my life, mom. I’m obsessed with you, mom. I’m ready to give everything just to at least once, just once, understand that you you think about me with your silence, with your detachment, you, you, you ruined my life,” and theatrically throws his hand to his forehead. And then I will stand up, look at him carefully and say: “So it’s like this. There are two types of people in the world: some live, and the second are always waiting for something. And if you don’t understand this, then you’re an idiot.”
He will say "ah" and faint. Psychotherapy will take approximately five years.
This text - good prevention our maternal perfectionism - the desire to be perfect mom. "Relax! No matter how hard we try to be good mothers, our children will still have something to tell their psychotherapist..."
Svetlana Khmel
I often come across the fact that women and men want not just a child, but a child of a certain gender. Especially if the child is not the first. Although many people dream of having a son first. But does it really matter?
People try to plan gender, follow diets, calculate the required periods using tablets, and then they may be disappointed that instead of a son, there is “just” a daughter. Our expectations of the child’s gender create additional stress on both him and the space.
One of my friends really wanted a girl, she really really wanted a girl. She already had a boy. This was her fixed idea, and she could not get pregnant. Whole year passed in attempts, she was already getting ready to see the doctor. And then I jokingly suggested to her that the boy’s soul might come to her.
At first she was very reluctant and opposed to the idea. What a boy, I need a girl! And I suggested that she think about the fact that she has boys on top of her. And either boys or no one at all. Well, you never know, suddenly this is the plan for her. She thought about it. A month later, it flashed into the conversation - yes, I still want another child, even if it’s a boy. In the same cycle she became pregnant. Guess who?
It was as if he was waiting for his mother to be ready to meet him, for her to come to terms with it and stop chasing images in her head. And as soon as the acceptance happened, he came.
The mechanisms for issuing a child of one gender or another are unknown to us. This is not an automaton whose algorithm can be calculated and manipulated. We are trying to gather some kind of research base for this, creating a lot of myths. From what I've personally heard (and what makes me laugh at times):
- To conceive a boy, in ancient times men put an ax under the pillow and at the decisive moment they frightened their wife with it (the thought immediately arises - if you give birth to a daughter, I will kill you!)
- To conceive a girl, the father needs to exercise extreme species sports, skydiving, supposedly adrenaline kills “boyish” sperm
- To conceive a boy, you need to eat meat. Lots of meat (that's probably why I have three sons)
- If a man loves more, a boy is born, if a woman, then a girl is born (I immediately want to remember the scriptures, where almost all Holy women have only sons. Probably, they did not know how to love at all)
- If the child’s hair is in the back corner, the next one will be a boy, and if it’s straight, then it’s a girl (our eldest has a corner, the middle one has a straight corner, but not a single girl has been noticed :))
- A cucumber belly is a boy, a round belly is a girl (I didn’t have any of them :))
- If you become ugly, you are expecting a girl, if you become beautiful, you are expecting a boy (for me, all pregnant women are beautiful)
- Boys are born where there is weak male energy, and girls are born where there is weak female energy (although there is also the opposite statement - who is right?)
- You need to calculate according to a table - Chinese or Japanese (then my eldest would be a girl for sure, the middle and youngest would be half)
- Boys are given for merit, and girls for sins (here they took the Vedic concept and perverted it into the most terrible form)
And so on. Many absurd superstitions and beliefs have been invented. And all in order to get not just a child, but a child of the gender we need. Why do we need such a floor? Because we initially have expectations from the child and everything connected with him. A son is a continuation of the family, a daughter is so that no one abandons her in old age. Or any other templates and options.
If you have a point about the gender of the child, then ask - why son? Why daughter? For what? I tried one, want to try another? Where is the concern for the child’s happiness and love? Or do you need it to be like everyone else? To have someone to play cars with on the remote control? To have someone to dress in princess dresses? Or…? And it's all? Are there so much noise and worry over such little things? But they really are small things compared to the life and fate of a child.
In Asia, especially in China and even India, there is a boom in abortions after ultrasound. They see a child of the wrong gender and have an abortion. Not wanting to feed the girls. Not wanting to waste the only chance to have a child “in vain.” This is not just stupidity, this is a real crime against the soul that has already come. So this mania is international, not just ours.
To be completely honest, I will say that in Vedic society there was also planning for the gender of the child. In a lighter form. It was believed that boys represented the piety of the family, and girls carried with them the practice of old sins. Boys accumulated karma, and girls worked it off. Therefore, when a daughter was born, a purge usually began, and life became more difficult. But with the boys, on the contrary, everything grew and turned out better. Boys continued the family line and traditions, worshiped their ancestors, while girls went to their husband’s family forever.
Therefore, many wanted to have sons - and more. And there were rules for conceiving boys or girls. This happened on certain days of the female cycle (girls on odd days, boys on even days). But there are also many exceptions. This approach requires great piety in order to conceive, as in old times, happened one time, on the exact date chosen by the parents. But even then, there was still the possibility of having a child of a different gender - if karma dictated so. How should we do it and why?
Now everyone wants sons too. But it’s no longer clear why. We don’t make offerings to our ancestors, and if anyone does this, it’s only women. Nowadays no one has good karma, so both boys and girls often suffer difficulties and purification. Sons are increasingly abandoning their parents, and daughters are dragging both their own and their husband’s parents to the very end. We also don’t really have any traditions to continue anything. And it turns out that it certainly doesn’t matter to us who we give birth to. There is no difference in this century. It is unknown what is better and what is worse. Just in different ways.
But we are again trying to control something about which we understand nothing, which does not depend on us and where we should not interfere. At all. Our attachment to the idea of having a child of the gender we want gives rise to many problems. The attitude towards a child should not depend on the body in which the soul came to us. How many times have I seen these girls who were expected to be boys (I’m the same). How difficult it is for them to accept their own female body, how much hatred they have for everything feminine, rejection, fear. The same thing can happen with boys. Boys who would like to see girls. Out of love for their parents, they can also become softer and more flexible, abandon their male power. But who will benefit from this?
Parents want to play with different types children. If there is a son, but no daughter, then mothers sometimes dress little boys in dresses and attach bows. For what? And why dress little girls like boys? Play with dolls, if you want to buy something, buy it and give it to your friends. Why does a child need to attach his own labels?
Children are a gift from God. A real gift that can only be accepted or rejected.
How do we accept gifts? Whatever is inside, thank you. So, for some reason I need this. And this “why” can be different for everyone.
Some people are taught by their sons to accept and respect men, others they push with their “yang” energy and force them to live. Girls teach some how to be a woman, some discover creativity, some are taught to simply love, to love with all their hearts. Sometimes a child of a certain gender helps you solve your parent-child problems. Sometimes it takes you to another level of understanding of life. Sometimes God saves us from repeating the most difficult scenarios of our kind by bringing children of a different sex, where these scenarios will be softer. And sometimes, on the contrary, it is precisely those whose ancestral ties it is time to treat that come.
In any case, everything is not accidental. Nothing happens by chance. If your son comes, it means that there are some tasks for you related to him. If your daughter comes, she also brings her tasks to you. But we don’t want to solve these problems; we like others better. Others seem more interesting and easier. Just like those who live in the south like mid-latitudes for their balance, and mid-latitudes dream of the hot south.
One of my friends really wanted a son. She had two daughters. She really didn't want the scenario to repeat itself. And then she decided to do everything for sure. There is a dear medical procedure, like IVF, when only embryos of one sex are selected. After this procedure she became pregnant. Son. She was very, very happy. But apparently she was not destined to have a son, since the child inexplicably died in childbirth.
There is another story. Ancient, demonstrative.
In ancient times, there lived one emperor, Akbar, who was known for his qualities and virtue, also dreamed of a son. But nothing happened, only daughters were born. And the emperor was in grief and sadness. One astrologer told him that under no circumstances should he have a son, a son would ruin his life. But the emperor was blind to his desire. He did everything possible so that his son would come to him, pray, and collect blessings. And the son still came. But it happened exactly as they said. He suffered from own son, who destroyed the entire empire, staged a rebellion against his own father. And subsequently he was overthrown by his own son.
Do you really care what gender the child is? This is again the concept of “having a child” - an expanded version of it is “having a child of the right gender.” Or do you still want to become a mother again?
There is no good-bad, right-wrong here. Here God gives you a child - and you accept. The same as they gave. The gender they gave you. And thank you sincerely. Learn to give thanks. Go through your lessons, open up and develop in what you already have.
In this place, society will “help” you with its stereotypes. If you have a girl, you need a boy, if you have a boy, you need a girl. And if you have two children of different sexes, then why a third pregnancy? Don't be offended by them, they really don't know what they are saying.
When they tell me that I’m poor and unhappy, that I’ve given birth to nothing but men and now I’m suffering, that I need a girl and there’s no life without her, that God forbid I’ll ever have a boy again, I smile inside. Now I'm smiling. When I learned from social norms get out and trust God.
I also smile because I know how cool the boys are who bring me flowers in the morning, kiss my hand, love me very much, care for me and protect me. Boys who call me princess. For whom I am the most beautiful and most beloved in the world.
And next to them I want more boys, boys, boys, because they are a great happiness for me, as for a mother. I already know what to do with boys, I know how to handle them, in our house everything is done for boys and for boys. Both the fourth and the fifth boy will be very useful for me.
Of course, girls are probably great too. I’m still more of a theoretician when communicating with them (I’m practicing on my inner girl). I don't know if I can become a good mother for my daughter. Will I be able to joyfully share with her the attention of all my knights? Will I be able to overcome the scenario of female relationships between mother and daughter of my kind. Will I be able to protect her and save her? Maybe God is saving me now by giving me sons. Saves me and her. So that we are both ready for the meeting - if it happens.
And if this doesn’t happen, and I never have a girl, it’s not a tragedy. Each of my sons will, I hope, have a wife. And I will be ready to accept them as my daughters. With love. What I myself once lacked. To become for them not just a mother-in-law, but loving second mother. Loving with all my heart. So I will definitely have girls - a little later.
For me, there is always the option of adoption, which I often think about. Maybe this is how the girl should come to me? To play with princess bow dolls and at the same time completely heal the trauma of your childhood orphanhood? I don't know God's plans for me and our family. But I trust Him.
He knows exactly what I need, when, how much and how. I know that God is wiser than stereotypes and rules - he knows who, to whom and how much to give. Whoever gives - all are mine. I will accept everyone with love.
I will open my heart to everyone. I will try to give everyone the maximum. And therefore I will be happy in any case, even if I have ten sons and not a single daughter. So it's necessary. Why and why is not for me to decide.
A child is a gift. Surprise. One hundred percent surprise in the package. You carry the box for nine months and then open it. And there is a miracle. A miracle that could camouflage and hide on an ultrasound. But in any case, a miracle is the most necessary and most important. Exactly what you need.
One man once shared with me that he desperately wanted a son. Was obsessed. When I found out that my wife was pregnant with my daughter, I almost got a divorce. He got on her nerves, tormented her. And then she was born. Girl Anechka with huge eyes. It so happened that he was the first to take her in his arms. Absolutely by accident. His wife gave birth so quickly that he did not have time to leave the hospital. And they brought it out to dad. He told how he, a forty-year-old man, stood in the corridor and sobbed, watching her look at him. What space is in her eyes. And how could he not want her so much? And how happy he is now that his wife has forgiven him, that his daughter is with them, how this has all changed his callous heart.
Who cares what we deserve. The child has arrived - welcome him with open arms. And love him for who he is. That's all.
We publish very vital and touching story Svetlana Khmel about raising children. Everything is just like that.
“, and I will do the opposite. From the age of three I will repeat to him: “Darling! You don't have to become an engineer. You don't have to be a lawyer. It doesn't matter what you become when you grow up. Do you want to be a pathologist? Cheers! Football commentator? Please!
A clown in a shopping mall? Great choice!"
And on his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty balding clown with smudges of makeup on his face, and say: “Mom! I am thirty years old! I'm the clown at the mall! Is this the life you wanted for me? What were you thinking, mom, when you told me that higher education is not necessary? What did you want, mom, when you allowed me to play with the boys instead of math?”
And I’ll say: “Darling, but I followed you in everything, I didn’t want to put pressure on you! You didn’t like math, you liked playing with the younger kids.” And he
he will say: “I didn’t know where this would lead, I was a child, I couldn’t decide anything, and you, you, you ruined my life,” and rubbed lipstick across my face with a dirty sleeve. And then I will stand up, look at him carefully and say: “So it’s like this. There are two types of people in the world: some live, and others are looking for someone to blame. And if you don’t understand this, then you’re an idiot.”
He will say "ah" and faint. Psychotherapy will take approximately five years.
Or not. Someday I will have a son, and I'll do the opposite. I will tell him from the age of three: “Don’t be an idiot, Vladik, think about the future. Learn math, Vladik, if you don’t want to be a call center operator all your life.”
And on his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty balding programmer with deep wrinkles on his face, and say: “Mom! I am thirty years old. I work at Google. I work twenty hours a day, Mom. I don't have a family. What were you thinking, mom, when you said that a good job would make me happy?
What were you trying to achieve, mom, when you forced me to learn math?”
And I will say: “Darling, but I wanted you to get a good education! I wanted you to have every opportunity, darling.” And he will say: “What the hell do I need these opportunities if I’m unhappy, mom? I walk past clowns at the mall and I envy them, Mom. They are happy. I could have been in their place, but you, you, you ruined my life,” and he rubs the bridge of his nose under his glasses with his fingers. And then I will stand up, look at him carefully and say: “So it’s like this. There are two types of people in the world: those who live, and those who complain all the time. And if you don’t understand this, then you’re an idiot.”
He'll say "oh" and faint. Psychotherapy will take approximately five years.
Or differently. Someday I will have a son, and I'll do the opposite.
I will tell him from the age of three: “I’m not here to tell him anything. I'm here to love you. Go to dad, dear, ask him, I don’t want to be extreme again.”
And on his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty, balding director with Central Russian melancholy in his eyes, and say: “Mom! I am thirty years old. I've been trying to get your attention for thirty years now, Mom. I dedicated ten films and five performances to you. I wrote a book about you, mom. I don't think you care. Why have you never voiced your opinion? Why did you always send me to dad?”
And I will say: “Dear, but I didn’t want to decide anything for you! I just loved you, dear, and we have dad for advice.” And he will say: “What the hell do I need dad’s advice if I asked you, mom? I've been seeking your attention all my life, mom. I'm obsessed with you, mom. I am ready to give everything just to understand at least once, just once, what you think about me. With your silence, with your detachment, you, you, you ruined my life,” and theatrically throws his hand to his forehead. And then I will stand up, look at him carefully and say: “So it’s like this. There are two types of people in the world: some live, and others are always waiting for something. And if you don’t understand this, then you’re an idiot.”
Someday I will have a son, and I will do the opposite. From the age of three I will repeat to him: “Darling! You don't have to become an engineer. You don't have to be a lawyer. It doesn't matter what you become when you grow up. Do you want to be a pathologist? Cheers! Football commentator? Please! A clown in a shopping mall? Great choice!"
And on his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty balding clown with smudges of makeup on his face, and say: “Mom! I am thirty years old! I'm the clown at the mall! Is this the life you wanted for me? What were you thinking, mom, when you told me that higher education is not necessary? What did you want, mom, when you allowed me to play with the boys instead of math?”
And I’ll say: “Darling, but I followed you in everything, I didn’t want to put pressure on you! You didn’t like math, you liked playing with the younger kids.” And he will say: “I didn’t know where this would lead, I was a child, I couldn’t decide anything, and you, you, you ruined my life,” and rubbed his lipstick across his face with his dirty sleeve. And then I will stand up, look at him carefully and say: “So it’s like this. There are two types of people in the world: some live, and others are looking for someone to blame. And if you don’t understand this, then you’re an idiot.”
Or not. Someday I will have a son, and I will do the opposite. I will tell him from the age of three: “Don’t be an idiot, Vladik, think about the future. Learn math, Vladik, if you don’t want to be a call center operator all your life.”
And on his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty balding programmer with deep wrinkles on his face, and say: “Mom! I am thirty years old. I work at Google. I work twenty hours a day, Mom. I don't have a family. What were you thinking, mom, when you said that a good job would make me happy? What were you trying to achieve, mom, when you forced me to learn math?”
And I will say: “Darling, but I wanted you to get a good education! I wanted you to have every opportunity, darling.” And he will say: “What the hell do I need these opportunities if I’m unhappy, mom? I walk past clowns at the mall and I envy them, Mom. They are happy. I could have been in their place, but you, you, you ruined my life,” and he rubs the bridge of his nose under his glasses with his fingers. And then I will stand up, look at him carefully and say: “So it’s like this. There are two types of people in the world: those who live, and those who complain all the time. And if you don’t understand this, then you’re an idiot.”
He'll say "oh" and faint. Psychotherapy will take approximately five years.
Or differently. Someday I will have a son, and I will do the opposite. I will tell him from the age of three: “I’m not here to tell him anything. I'm here to love you. Go to dad, dear, ask him, I don’t want to be extreme again.”
And on his thirtieth birthday he will come to me, this sweaty, balding director with Central Russian melancholy in his eyes, and say: “Mom! I am thirty years old. I've been trying to get your attention for thirty years now, Mom. I dedicated ten films and five performances to you. I wrote a book about you, mom. I don't think you care. Why have you never voiced your opinion? Why did you always send me to dad?”
And I will say: “Dear, but I didn’t want to decide anything for you! I just loved you, dear, and we have dad for advice.” And he will say: “What the hell do I need dad’s advice if I asked you, mom? I've been seeking your attention all my life, mom. I'm obsessed with you, mom. I am ready to give everything just to understand at least once, just once, what you think about me. With your silence, with your detachment, you, you, you ruined my life,” and theatrically throws his hand to his forehead. And then I will stand up, look at him carefully and say: “So it’s like this. There are two types of people in the world: some live, and others are always waiting for something. And if you don’t understand this, then you’re an idiot.”
He will say "ah" and faint. Psychotherapy will take approximately five years.