Negative self-esteem. What to do if low self-esteem haunts you? Changing the angle of view
How to increase a woman's self-esteem and self-confidence? This question is asked by many representatives of the fair sex. An insecure girl whose legs give way from shyness will not leave after the meeting vivid impression. And a woman who is convinced of her attractiveness and knows her strengths, cannot help but be remembered. This is why it is easier for some of us to promote ideas, to climb career ladder, make your fans fall in love with you. How can a woman increase her self-esteem and self-confidence?
Before you buy the book “How to Increase Self-Esteem and Confidence as a Woman,” you should understand whether you really have problems with self-perception.
If you find at least a few of the following points in yourself, then there is a high probability that you think worse about yourself than you really are:
- You constantly think about your failures, remember awkward moments;
- You often experience a feeling of self-hatred, and often feel sorry for yourself;
- You blame others for your failures and try to shift responsibility onto other people's shoulders;
- You often think that you cannot cope with the upcoming work;
- You are constantly afraid of disappointing someone;
- You react inadequately to criticism, perceiving it as proof of your inferiority;
- You feel like you are unworthy of love. For the same reason, you often rush into the arms of the first person who shows sympathy for you - even if he does not correspond to your real level;
- You hesitate to make decisions and put off action for long periods of time, feeling fear due to your perceived inability to make the “right” choice.
Low self-esteem is characterized by constantly remembering your failures.
Reasons for low self-esteem
A general list of reasons for low self-confidence and unstable self-esteem:
- Childhood trauma. None of us even suspects how many problems “come from childhood” are in our psychological baggage. An incident that happened to you as a teenager may be completely inconspicuous for the real you - but sometimes it is the root of deep problems lodged in the subconscious. For example, parents too often criticized their child, underestimated his achievements, and devalued his interests and hobbies. As a result, the grown person lives with the feeling that he is not worthy better attitude- after all, everything that he likes is really insignificant, and he himself is practically unable to do anything well.
- Dependence on the opinions of others. There will be people who like to criticize in any situation, even if you did your task brilliantly. You need to accept this and stop paying attention to it. Moreover, criticism is an indicator of your success: usually only those who go forward receive angry words, leaving behind losers.
Many problems come from childhood
- Perceiving any failure as a tragedy. Everyone has bad days. And everyone at least once failed to cope with an important task - they could not overcome their anxiety, they “failed” the test, or, due to inexperience, they set up a colleague or boss. We shouldn’t make a big deal out of a molehill: mistakes are part of our experience, which will be useful to us in the future.
- High expectations. Perhaps you set yourself too high goals, which are simply impossible to achieve in the allotted time. And it's not that you're not good enough - just give yourself more time or lower the bar a little.
Self-esteem depends on brain function
You can endlessly watch videos with titles like “how to increase a woman’s self-esteem and self-confidence,” but it is more important to understand how our body works. Few people know that self-esteem is determined by the functioning of the brain.
When the limbic system is moderately active, we feel good
The limbic system is an interconnected structure of the brain that is responsible for our emotions, memory, sleep, wakefulness, as well as a number of functions of internal organs.
When the limbic system is moderately active, we feel good: this state is characterized by an optimistic mood. When the activity of this zone is increased, self-esteem decreases, and positivity is replaced by a feeling of guilt, a feeling of one’s own incapacity and even helplessness.
The logic is simple: to get rid of negative emotions and add more colors to life, it is enough to learn to control the limbic system. This will save you from many problems, including the answer to the question of how to increase a woman’s self-esteem and self-confidence.
If the limbic system is unstable, negative emotions arise
Simple ways to stabilize the limbic system:
- Proper nutrition. The brain will not feel safe if it is exhausted by diets or, on the contrary, receives calories only from harmful products. Balanced only healthy diet will become a worthy source of energy. Take vitamins and fish oil, eat more fruits and limit unhealthy foods.
- Physical activity. During training, serotonin is released, the hormone of joy and good mood. This will help you cope with stress and feel more confident and strong. Besides, it's good physical form And beautiful body like nothing else they help increase self-esteem.
- Healthy sleep. For your brain to cope with stress and give you positive emotions, it needs to rest. It's about about eight hours of sleep. This is the only way you will get “relaxation” and feel free from stress - after all, in a dream, the brain puts in order all the events, feelings and thoughts that happened during the day.
Proper nutrition promotes good mood
- Physical intimacy. Frequent lovemaking not only strengthens the immune system and relieves stress, but also gives good mood– you begin to feel sexier, more confident and more beautiful.
Compliance with these points is necessary not only to increase self-esteem, but also to maintain health.
How to increase self-esteem
So, how can a woman increase her self-esteem and confidence? Apart from the above list, there are the following methods:
- Engage in self-development. The more new knowledge you gain in a day, the better. Explore foreign language, read new book or look New film, get a car license, go to business development training. In addition to the obvious benefits, you will also gain new connections and acquaintances - perhaps even enter into a relationship with a man you are interested in;
Engage in self-development
- Get rid of clutter and tidy up your apartment. If necessary and if possible, do repairs, at least cosmetic ones. It has been proven that the better the home looks, the cleaner and more pleasant it is, the more confident the owner feels;
- It is necessary to overcome the feeling of fear and constant danger. It is common for people with low self-esteem to be afraid – of exams, getting into relationships, sounds, images, emotions, and so on. Draw two pictures. The first is negative, in which your fear is realized - for example, being fired from your favorite job. The second is positive, blocking the first. For example, you work hard and are awarded a bonus. Now we work with these images: imagine that you move the first one away from yourself as much as possible until it turns into a small dot and disappears completely. And try to imagine the second picture as often as possible - think through everything down to your mood, feelings, the weather outside the window, the clothes you are wearing.
Need to get rid of fears
- Psychology claims that one of the most the right ways how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence as a woman - focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. If you are constantly thinking about overweight, then you begin to perceive yourself exclusively as a plump lady. But isn't it better to focus on your positive qualities? You can be a great housewife wonderful mother, is the best person in the office to deal with financial statements and so on - the list can be continued endlessly.
Start treating yourself with respect
- In conversations, use phrases such as “I believe” and “I think” more often: your opinion is valuable. Express your emotions openly - don't be afraid to object and don't try to hide if you don't like something. You have the right to disagree or think completely differently than your interlocutor. Agree with praise, accept compliments - you deserve it.
- Come to terms with the mistakes of the past. And with the fact that you still have a lot of mistakes to make. This is natural for any person. We need defeats in order to understand where to move next. Take your mistakes as indications of new directions for development - this is a great path to self-improvement.
Come to terms with past mistakes
- Remove “toxic” people from your environment who constantly baselessly criticize you, insult you, and devalue your interests and problems. Truly close people should help improve self-esteem and stabilize it, rather than constant fluctuations or, even worse, decline.
Exercises to improve self-esteem
There are many videos on the Internet on how, using psychology and special exercises increase a woman's self-esteem and self-confidence. We attach two such videos to this article.
An ordinary mirror will help you raise your self-esteem
Additional list of useful exercises:
- “On the contrary”: imagine a situation that causes you fear and anxiety. Write down on a piece of paper the options for what you could do if this situation became real. If you have difficulties, ask your loved ones for help. When you see an impressive list, it will be easier for you to believe in your own abilities;
- "Mirror". Sit comfortably, relax, close your eyes and start breathing deeply. Gradually let go of negative thoughts. Imagine yourself in front of a mirror and examine yourself in every detail. Believe that you are incredibly beautiful and successful. Look at yourself in an imaginary mirror for as long as it takes to believe in your own strength, while constantly complimenting yourself. Then open your eyes, stand up and go to a real mirror. Repeat all the pleasant words you said earlier, looking into your eyes;
- "Self-presentation". Imagine that you need to tell about yourself in the most favorable light, but without empty embellishments. Take a piece of paper and write a speech, believing that you will have to read it to your future employers, for example. In the text, focus on your positive qualities and skills. Give as many examples as possible to support your words - remember all your good deeds. When you finish, re-read this speech - and return to it every day, and in hard times– several times a day.
So there are many simple ways to raise self-esteem. It is much more difficult to identify the reasons why self-confidence may remain low. However, with hard work, you will definitely be able to change your quality of life for the better.
Low self-esteem– one of the most common reasons for the inability to succeed in life. She is accompanied by a number of negative symptoms, destroying our personality and poisoning our existence. According to research by psychologists, it is precisely people with low self-esteem who are prone to addictions and addictions (smoking, alcohol, drugs, overeating, gambling). One hundred percent of those with this psychological illness suffer from depression.
People with low self-esteem constantly complain about life and blame others for their failures, which is why they have few friends. They often become antisocial, go into voluntary seclusion, and refuse to communicate. A person with low self-esteem is easily angered, since any critical remark is perceived as an insult.
He is afraid to take on new things, because a mistake is tantamount to the end of the world. Because of this, such a person is usually passive, lacking initiative and has a negative attitude towards everything new (and indeed towards everything). And even appearance betrays low self-esteem - constrained movements, sadness in the eyes, drooping corners of the mouth, dejected appearance.
There are a lot of symptoms: perfectionism, increased need for attention, manipulativeness, inability to defend one’s rights, agreement... People with low self-esteem make good subordinates, because they will never want to manage someone, but will listen and follow instructions with great pleasure.
Low self-esteem causes divorce, loneliness of women and men, small wages and unsatisfactory social status, inability to realize your dreams. It would seem - well, low self-esteem, so what? But it turns out how much unhappiness it brings into our lives. Where does it come from?
The reasons for low self-esteem almost always lie in childhood. Small child is not able to evaluate himself adequately, he does this through the assessment of loved ones and through their attitude towards him. What actions of parents and others lead to a child growing up with low self-esteem?
- There is not enough time: parents are constantly busy with themselves or their own affairs, disappear at work, do not listen to the child’s requests and ignore his spiritual needs (“play with me”), send him to grandma or to camp for the whole summer, despite the child’s protests.
- Emotional coldness: in the family it is not customary to hug, kiss, praise each other, talk about your good feelings, or share emotions.
- Comparison: the child is compared with other children - they say, Vanya, the neighbor, is good, plays the piano and doesn’t skip lessons, but you can’t do anything, and what’s more, you’re a bungler, only losses from you.
- An unattainable standard: a child is given an example of one of the adults, most often a father, mother, grandmother or grandfather. They tell him: “Look, your mother received five degrees, and your grandfather is a famous scientist, you must not let them down!” This tactic leads to the fact that a person tries to fit himself into imposed standards all his life. Naturally, he doesn’t succeed (since we are all different and each has our own talents), and he perceives himself as a failure.
- Ridicule for something that cannot be corrected: a child with physical disabilities or illnesses is laughed at at school, on the playground, and sometimes in own family. Such children almost always have low self-esteem.
- Divorce of parents, scandals, alcoholism in the family: when parents divorce, if someone drinks, when parents fight, younger family members always take it personally. “They divorced because of me, they fight because I’m bad, it’s my fault that dad beats mom.”
As you can see, at least one of these reasons is present in the life of almost every person. Many of us become hostage to a number of factors that lead to low self-esteem. This means that to one degree or another, almost all of us suffer from this.
Here it is also necessary to say about high self-esteem, since it is a continuation of low self-esteem. Yes, yes, they are not different at all psychological problems, but two manifestations of one. They have the same prerequisites, grow from the same root, and are accompanied by the same mental states. And they have one reason - the inability to evaluate themselves adequately.
Often people with low self-esteem put on masks and become boastful, aggressive, and arrogant. Because of this, you might think that they think too much of themselves - but no, these are just means of self-defense.
When a person with low self-esteem manages to achieve something in life, it immediately becomes inflated. When fortune turns away, your attitude towards yourself will again be “below the plinth”.
Is it possible to fight low self-esteem on your own? Maybe. The main thing is to recognize the problem and accept it. It is important to analyze the reasons for the occurrence and admit that you were not to blame for what happened in childhood. Let go of the guilt and tell yourself that you were not the cause of your problems. Forgive those who offended you - they have long forgotten about it, and you continue to torment yourself negative feelings anger, revenge, resentment, hatred.
Learn to evaluate yourself objectively and stop thinking that your shortcomings are something terrible. Just audit yourself and accept everything as it is. Firstly, there are no people consisting of only shortcomings, everyone has many good qualities. And secondly, not all shortcomings are such. Many of our properties are essentially neutral and become positive or negative traits only thanks to assessment from outside or from within.
For example, there are people who constantly need new impressions– routine simply eats away at them. Someone will say - he is lazy, restless, industrious, fickle, irresponsible, does not know what he needs. Another will say - this creative person, explorer, traveler, innovator. Who will you listen to? The trouble is that we more often hear condemnation from others than praise.
Therefore, one more piece of advice - do not listen to those who scold you. No matter what you do, there will always be such people. Evaluate your personality positively, forgive yourself for your mistakes (we are all human, we all make mistakes), and do not reproach yourself for every mistake.
Love and respect yourself, try to do everything to make you feel good. Please yourself, not someone else, learn to hear your real desires. Pamper yourself, entertain yourself, force yourself to rest when you are tired, take care of your body and engage in self-development.
And the very first step to mental recovery is to go to the mirror every morning, look at your unwashed, swollen face after sleep and say: “I love you.” Say this instead of the usual description: “God, what a monster this is!”
And then your inner child will be convinced: if I (the most main man in my life) I love myself even in this form, even sick, even a loser, even during the worst failures - it means that I really deserve all the best in this world.
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With low self-esteem (which is formed due to childhood traumas, biological features and bad life experiences) you can fight. St. Petersburg psychotherapist, presenter Researcher NIPNI im. V.M. Bekhterev Alexander Erichev told Sobaka.Ru what steps will help do this.
Reasons for low self-esteem
People with low self-esteem always have negative underlying beliefs about yourself. They appear in the process of life experience - including if a person has encountered big amount punishments, prohibitions, insults, neglect. The first group of such beliefs is associated with defectiveness (“I’m somehow different”), the second with helplessness (“I’m weak”) and the third with a lack of love (“they don’t love me”).
Negative beliefs often arise when children are not satisfied basic needs. First of all, the need for love and acceptance. For example, at the time of the birth of the child, the mother’s maternal feelings did not awaken, and the father completely disappeared into an unknown direction. Another situation is emotional deprivation from parents. For example, they were not used to expressing warm feelings and were less emotional than other families.
Quite often people suffer from low self-esteem who seemed to have enough good support in the family, but found themselves in a situation of long-term bullying. For example, at school, such a situation can seriously change the perception of oneself. The person, recalling the time of bullying, says that he felt fear and helplessness. He is very for a long time was in a state of chronic stress, and this negative experience stuck with him.
When a person’s self-esteem is distorted, he finds even more evidence in events that he is bad
There are also biological prerequisites for a person to develop low self-esteem. For example, both a dandelion child and an orchid child can be born in the same family. Dandelion will grow through the asphalt and will be less sensitive to environmental factors. Such a child will more easily cope with the same bullying. And the child is an orchid, who, among other things, biological reasons more vulnerable and shy, will not be able to resolve this situation, and may not even seek support from parents. We must not forget that we all different types nervous system. We are different from each other at birth, and then life also leaves its serious imprint. The production of hormones changes, and stress reactions become stronger.
Distortions of personal thinking play a huge role in our self-esteem. We all perceive the same situation differently. Recent studies show that even our own memories should not be trusted, because they are seriously distorted, including under the influence of our emotions. So, if a person has a distorted personal self-esteem, and he feels weak, helpless, defective and lazy, then he will also distortly perceive all the events that happen to him. And find more and more evidence that he is bad.
What do bad thoughts about yourself lead to?
Often our deepest negative beliefs about ourselves are quite difficult to identify., in addition, the person himself tries to protect himself from them with a set of rules. That is, he seeks to prevent confirmation of his fears and fears. For example, if he thinks that he is unloved, what behavioral strategies will he demonstrate? They can be completely opposite. One will avoid contact with the opposite sex for fear that he will still be rejected. Another will choose a different behavior: on the contrary, he will have great amount casual connections, and he will perceive every acquaintance as a trophy. On the surface he will seem confident and cocky, but in fact, behind this behavior he will hide his negative attitudes towards himself. Such rules that a person has created for himself may be different. For example, a person decides that he must always be polite. Or if he is criticized, it immediately means that he is bad. And if he doesn't try his best, he won't achieve anything.
A person with low self-esteem attributes all failures to himself and success to accidents.
To assess your self-esteem, ask yourself a series of questions. Your life experience taught you to appreciate yourself for who you are? Do you have a good opinion of yourself? Do you treat yourself well and take care of yourself? Do you like yourself? You value both your strengths and weak sides? Are you completely satisfied with yourself? Do you feel entitled to other people's attention and time? Do you judge yourself the same way you judge others – no more, no less? Are you more inclined to encourage yourself rather than engage in self-criticism?
When working on self-esteem, there is no need to strive for it to become inflated and flew off into space. This is also not good. When we deliberately make unrealistic demands on ourselves and declare something like “I am the king of the world,” the more often reality tells us that there is something wrong with our beliefs about ourselves. A high self-evaluation is often unstable, so external circumstances can easily unsettle a person. But you need to strive, first of all, for sustainability and learn to support yourself.
A person has a high probability of conditionally “getting” depression or an anxiety disorder, if he attributes all failures to himself, and attributes all positive things to chance. And this is exactly what a person with low self-esteem usually does.
What to do? Stop criticizing and punishing yourself
Psychotherapists distinguish several modes, that is, emotional states, which we enter from time to time. One of the unhealthy ones is the regime of a critical or punishing parent. In it, we force ourselves to experience feelings of inferiority and guilt, pointing out that we owe something. At the same time, we criticize for such little things that we would never criticize others for. And we punish in those moments when we actually need help.
You can easily notice how this mode turns on. It further supports low self-esteem or even lowers it further. For example, when you say to yourself: “We could have done better,” “Why isn’t this so good?”, “Is that all you did?”, “Others can do it, and so can you.” You also present the results of your labor as some kind of nonsense. People around you praise you, but you think: “No, they thought I was just lucky.”
Learn to turn off your inner critic and be more supportive of yourself.
Good news is that we can easily track and suppress in ourselves unfounded self-criticism and devaluation. It is quite possible to develop this skill even without the help of a psychotherapist. Although it may take a decent amount of time. Try observing your critical parent for at least a week. Most likely, you will notice that it appears even when you should not scold yourself.
Try translating self-criticism into self-compassion. Instead of the desire to punish yourself and condemn, you should switch to the desire to correct the situation and achieve a better result. Instead of looking to the past, look to the future and try to understand what can be done now. Shift your focus from mistakes to your strengths and resources, and instead of disappointment, anger and anxiety, try to be supportive of yourself.
Stand up for your boundaries and rights
Develop assertiveness - the ability to defend your boundaries and rights so as not to destroy someone else's personal space. It is believed that assertive behavior quite clearly correlates with adequate self-esteem. What does it include? Open and sincere expression positive emotions, as well as open (but adequate) expression of negative ones. We need to learn to express our negative emotions correctly - this is very important. Assertiveness also includes the ability to defend oneself and the ability to say “no.” Quite often, when we feel anxious and helpless inside, we agree to things that are obviously unpleasant for us. And then we begin to blame ourselves: “How could you, you definitely should have refused, why didn’t you refuse, you could have pulled yourself together!” Assertiveness also includes initiative, the ability to offer, ask, and maintain one’s own dignity - now this is beautifully called the term “proactivity.”
Often we cannot say “no” to a person and end up blaming ourselves even more for it.
Train assertive behavior not in the style of “You’re a wuss, just pull yourself together!”, but in the style of “You’re worried, but let’s now try to do small step" It’s also worth praising yourself for trying, even if it hasn’t been successful yet. For example, you were unable to refuse, although you tried to do so. Or you said no, but the other person insisted that you say yes. But this is already a reason to tell yourself that you have almost succeeded, although not completely yet.
Take care of your needs
Learn to take care of yourself and your needs(again, without violating other people's boundaries). This is probably the most difficult advice, therefore it requires enough good level awareness. You can learn this little by little - you feel that you want to drink water and drink it. Try to listen to more ambiguous needs and feel your desires.
Learn self-efficacy
Self-efficacy is how aware we are of our ability to cope. with certain circumstances. If we feel that the world is so inexplicable and cruel that there is nothing we can do, then naturally we will evaluate ourselves worse. If we perceive our ability to act, this gives us significant help and support. For me good example in terms of self-efficacy - this is independent travel. At first you are scared, and then you get the feeling that the world Quite friendly, you can easily figure out the transport network and find a place to stay for the night.
Support yourself and notice your achievements
It is important that support and praise do not turn into your own address. to something like: “I’m so cool.” Think about what you can support yourself for today? What good did you do during the day? Imagine that you, like your beloved child, are saying good words. At the same time, praise can be not only for certain successful actions. For example, I went through a difficult situation, I coped with it - this is also a reason for praise. It will be good if noticing your achievements becomes your tradition.
Align your goals with your personal values
To reinforce adequate and stable self-esteem, you need to learn look for your values. Please note that values are not goals. For example, buying a car is a goal. What value could there be here? Freedom of movement, travel. A goal can be achieved and after that it will not exist. And value is unattainable; it is a certain stage of the journey. It is very important to understand what your values are and, if possible, build your life in this direction. But you shouldn’t turn this into a radical search for “your purpose.” This is a dangerous and wrong situation.
Our values may partly conflict with each other. For example, it is important for you to travel and develop, while you dream of children. Then at some point you will have to learn to travel with children, and not in splendid isolation. In addition, values may change throughout life. Don't be afraid of this - the main thing is to be flexible. Also try to get together with your closest people and describe your values and goals. You can turn this into a tradition.
Don’t set global, hard-to-achieve goals and don't focus on the resources you don't have. It is better to gradually increase the complexity of tasks than to immediately set the bar too high. And encourage yourself on the way to their implementation.
Text: Anastasia Leontyeva, Katerina Reznikova.
Based on materials from Alexander Erichev’s lecture as part of the GOOD VIBES project.
Psychologists often turn to a person’s self-esteem, which affects the quality of his life. Each person lives as he allows himself. And this already depends on what kind of self-esteem a person has. Low self-esteem becomes the most detrimental...
Self-esteem is evaluating yourself. How do you rate:
- Your knowledge and experience.
- Skills and abilities.
- Desires and goals.
- Potential. What do you think you are capable of?
Depending on how a person evaluates himself, he lives better or worse. A person with low self-esteem tends to give up his desires, not be guided by his own opinions and remain helpless in any situation. A person’s parents and society as a whole played a large part in the development of self-esteem.
Many people know such situations when they tried to please, but nothing worked out for them. Unfortunately, there is a program in society that you need to deserve someone's recognition, and not just receive it from those who give it. Many people try to earn love and respect for themselves, not realizing that they don’t have to do this. But let's talk about everything in order.
A person spends almost his entire life trying to be respected, loved, valuable and needed. Each person achieves this in their own way. Some people are good at receiving praise from people. But the majority still face the fact that they are not recognized. And you know, that's normal! As they say: “You are not a hundred dollars for everyone to love you.” But still people forget about this.
You were not appreciated. The person you like didn't like you back. You suffer because you were unable to receive respect and love from another person. I can understand you. But you also understand that you are doing nonsense.
Everything you want from other people does not need to be earned. All this you just need to take. And you can take it when they give it. People can give of their own free will. But you say that not all people give you what you expect from them. What you say is correct. In this case, you can answer: “Why do you demand from those people who do not give you something that they do not want to give you?”
There is no need to go to extremes, as often happens. You, of course, should try to be attractive, interesting and necessary for other people so that they value you the way you expect them to. It is possible to be yourself and at the same time demand respect for yourself, but this will give you a very small percentage of people who are ready to appreciate you for who you are. If you want to please someone, then you need to make an effort - here you are doing everything right.
But do not go to the other extreme, when you try, make an effort, the other person accepts from you all the benefits that you give him, but does not give anything of what you expect from him. An elementary example is unrequited love. One tries, loves, cares, gives everything, and the second only accepts, demands, is indignant when something is wrong, and constantly talks about breaking up if suddenly the first one doesn’t like something. Do you understand the point?
The first extreme is when you want to be yourself, you don’t want to do anything, but at the same time you demand respect and love for yourself. And the second extreme is when you give everything to other people, try, make efforts, but you see that no reciprocal steps are taken. We can say that in neither of these extremes a person gets what he wants. In the first extreme, a person receives respect and recognition only from a small number of people (that is, he is content with little). At the second extreme, a person may not receive approval or love from anyone at all.
How to behave? There is a third way, which combines both extremes - this is when you try, make an effort, try to be friendly and valuable to other people, but at the same time you try only for the sake of those who, for their part, are ready to give you what you need. You tried, the person did not give you anything in return - you broke up with him. But if you tried, and your partner tried for you, then you continue the relationship with him.
There is no need to try for the sake of those who do not reciprocate your feelings. At the same time, you don’t need to assume that people should love you for who you are. Follow the “golden mean”, where you both try and take what people voluntarily give to you. If someone doesn’t give you anything, then you break up with him without wasting time and effort on him. And you surround yourself only with those who accept you for who you are and reciprocate your feelings.
What is low self-esteem?
– this is an underestimation of one’s qualities, skills and abilities, one’s own potential. All this affects the fact that a person refuses to solve his problems, does not believe in his own strength (self-doubt develops), and does not strive to achieve his goals (since he is convinced in advance that he will not achieve anything). In other words, a person chooses to do nothing because he is afraid:
- Judgmental opinion.
- Achieving negative results.
- The need to admit your mistakes and still correct them.
It is easier for a person with low self-esteem to sit and do nothing than to act, face difficulties and be responsible for the results.
Reasons for low self-esteem
Psychologists try to look for all the reasons for low self-esteem in a person’s childhood. Usually this is when a predisposition or immediate low self-esteem is formed. How?
- For example own parents when a child sees that his mother and father also have low self-esteem: they constantly sacrifice themselves, refuse everything, remain helpless, etc. The child simply copies the behavior of his parents.
- Feelings of guilt when parents begin to raise their child. Often they try to make him feel guilty for his actions. Instead of analyzing what is happening and together assessing the appropriateness of actions, parents simply begin to negatively evaluate the child’s actions.
- Making a child bad. The child himself is full-fledged, normal and adequate. His parents just start raising him. When a child does something that does not agree with the parents’ opinion, they begin to call him names, punish him, etc. Calling him names lowers the child’s self-esteem (he begins to evaluate himself negatively). Punishments tell the child that he has acted badly, after which he simply begins to be afraid to take actions, so as not to commit a bad deed again.
- Comparing the child with other children. This is a common technique for parents who want to instill in their child certain aspirations to achieve something. However, the child may not perceive the words of his parents in the same way. If parents are unhappy with their child, they tell him that he is bad, underdeveloped, which they demonstrate by admiring other children.
- Rejection of the child's individuality. When parents do not hear the child’s wishes and do not perceive him as an individual, they underestimate his importance.
- Setting goals for your child, not his, but your own. When parents have not achieved something themselves, they try to achieve it through their children. Then they begin to set goals and requirements that the baby must meet. Otherwise, they punish him and do not like him.
- External characteristics. Children may also experience low self-esteem due to defects and unattractive appearance.
- The authoritarianism of parents who simply deprive their children of initiative and will. In this case, children learn to simply go with the flow and not strive for anything.
- Strict religious education.
- Strong beliefs and moral values.
- Characteristics of the child.
- Evaluating yourself through material goods. If parents are constantly concerned about what material status they have, then the child also begins to evaluate himself from the perspective of how much money or what model of gadget he has.
Signs of low self-esteem
Low self-esteem can manifest itself in the following signs:
- Avoiding praise. A person feels that he is not worthy of praise, so he tries to give many arguments for his position.
- Indecisiveness. A person is afraid to face a choice because he will have to be responsible for the results.
- Increased vigilance. A person tries to notice the slightest evidence that he is not loved, so he becomes attentive.
- Inability to pay attention to the present tense. A person often focuses on worrying about the past or worrying about the future.
- Humiliation. A person is convinced of his own insignificance and that his fate depends on other people.
- Quick giving up and resignation.
- Comparing yourself. A person is not sure that he is correct, complete and worthy, so he constantly tries to find evidence or refutation of this. When comparing, an individual always sees everything good in others, but only bad in himself.
- Pretense.
- Inability to understand the height of your goals. A person prefers to set small goals in order to be sure that they are achievable.
- Ban on joy.
What to do if you have low self-esteem?
Low self-esteem is not an innate quality, but just a belief in which a person believes. Therefore, if you have low self-esteem, you need to do the following things to refute it:
- Achieve goals and celebrate it.
- See behind you positive traits and skills and not to forget about them.
- Connect with people who see the positive side of you.
- Engage in self-improvement to be sure of your capabilities.
- Don't blame yourself for failures. In general, reconsider your attitude towards troubles.
- Don't compare yourself to anyone. Compare yourself only to who you were before. And other people will always seem the way you want them to be.
How to deal with low self-esteem?
Compare yourself to improve. Love yourself, appreciate and respect. Don't pay attention to what people say when they compare you to someone else. You don't have to please everyone, be better than someone else, or become what other people want you to be. However, use comparing yourself with the goal of becoming better, more perfect, more ideal for yourself.
Here you live, enjoy life, every day is similar to the previous one. And you understand that you need to change something, develop, improve yourself in something. Compare yourself with other people whose personality and lifestyle interests you. Maybe someone is more beautiful than you, richer, happier. Compare yourself with these people, then highlight what they have that you don’t. Get busy finding what you would like to have in yourself.
Why do you need to compare yourself to other people? In order to know what to improve in yourself. Living in his own world, a person does not seem to notice other aspects of life. A woman can already consider herself beautiful and perfect until she meets another beautiful lady who, in comparison, will be more beautiful and attractive. Yes, a woman is beautiful in herself, but she may not have what another woman has - charm, for example. And by comparing herself with another person, a woman can now begin to develop something in herself that she did not have before.
Living in his own world, a person can already be considered rich with $100 in his pocket. But if a person appears on his way with a more money, then the desire arises to become the same as him. A person begins to develop because his previous way of life is not as good as the one he could live.
Don't pay attention when people compare you to someone else. No one has the right to compare other people with each other. But sometimes compare yourself with other people so that your life becomes better and you are satisfied with it. Compare yourself to improve. Seeing in another person what you yourself would like to have, do not envy, but use this understanding in order to yourself possess these benefits that you liked.
Bottom line
Self-esteem depends personally on the person who looks at himself and gives himself a certain assessment of all his qualities and skills. To increase your self-esteem, you just need to begin to adequately evaluate yourself and calmly perceive all your shortcomings.
Low self-esteem can be situational or stable. The reasons for this could be: real problems a person in a specific area, and fictional ones. Self-esteem often has roots in the past. Parents, friends, teachers could instill in a person self-doubt. It didn’t go away with age, but only became more deeply rooted. Low self-esteem is a big obstacle. It prevents a person from developing and self-realizing. As a rule, uncertainty repels him not only from success in his personal life and career, but even from people who can help. Psychology deals with problems of this kind. Self-esteem does not increase in a couple of sessions with a psychologist, but as a result of targeted efforts it can be corrected.
Changing self-esteem means fundamentally changing your attitude towards yourself. Constant complaints and whining will never help get rid of the problems that have piled up. From people who underestimate themselves, you can hear that they are not loved and used. And this often turns out to be true. However, the reason for this attitude of people is not in the qualities of the person himself and those around him, but in self-esteem. People intuitively sense uncertainty and are not averse to taking advantage of it. If a person does not evaluate himself properly, then no one will do it for him. It is unlikely that anyone will prove to a pretty woman who has low self-esteem that she is beautiful. And, most likely, such arguments will be useless. A person must help himself. Otherwise, the situation may only get worse. Depression, alcoholism, suicide - all this possible consequences underestimating one's qualities. There can be no talk of any motivation for a fulfilling life.
Low self-esteem can prevent you from getting rid of problems. However, we must pull ourselves together and decide to take this step. It all starts not with praising yourself, but with something a little different. We need to try to make small but noticeable progress in business. It has been noted that people who do not love themselves have a number of problems. One of them is the lack of real steps towards achieving the goal (if the goal exists at all). Another problem is the presence for which such people despise themselves and constantly experience Masochism must be left in the past. The first step to respecting yourself as a person is self-improvement. If you have problems with alcohol, then you can try to abstain from it; if you have a fear of speaking, then you should at least try to learn how to speak in front of a mirror.
You can reward yourself for every move forward. Self-confidence develops gradually. You just need to pay attention to your strengths, not your weaknesses. And it’s also important to stop punishing yourself. There are some things that cannot be fixed. All that remains is to accept them and live with them. However, more often than not, most problems can be solved. A person who has low self-esteem simply does not try to solve them or find other methods of achieving the goal. You can completely change your perception of yourself in a few years. This will only require focused work and motivation. To prevent motivation from falling, you need to remember the reasons for not loving yourself. Any person, after several attempts, begins to discover such negative moments in his past. It could also be problems in the family childhood, and ridicule at school, and failures at work. Don't let negativity cloud your horizons in life. Any troubles and failures must be treated correctly. Everyone falls in life, but those who have the strength to rise win. If you cannot change the situation on your own, then it is better to consult a psychologist. Don't wait for it to come deep crisis and depression, when you can’t do without a specialist.