Nyuta Federmesser personal life. Ilya Gorodetsky: I am not an opponent of computer games
Anna Konstantinovna (Nyuta) Federmesser(born May 11, 1977, Moscow) - Russian public figure, founder and president of the Vera Hospice Charitable Foundation (2006). Council Member public organizations for the protection of patients' rights at the Moscow Department of Health. Awarded with a badge of honor Russian Federation“For good deeds” (2012). Head of the Center palliative medicine Department of Health of Moscow (since 2016).
Biography
Born on May 11, 1977 in Moscow, in a family of doctors - the founder of Soviet obstetric anesthesiology K. M. Federmesser and the founder of the hospice movement in Russia, chief physician and creator of the First Moscow Hospice V. V. Millionshchikova. From the age of seventeen she worked as a volunteer in hospices in Russia and Great Britain. In 1995-1997 she studied at the University of Cambridge. In 2000 she graduated from the pedagogical faculty of the Institute foreign languages named after Maurice Thorez, having received the specialty of theatrical simultaneous interpreter.
Since 2000 she has taught English language at Moscow school No. 57. For some time she worked in the international department of the Golden Mask theater festival, was a personal assistant to the vice-president of the YUKOS company, and head of the translation department at the Garry Kasparov Chess Academy. She starred in a Russian TV series.
In 2006, she founded and headed the Vera Hospice Charitable Foundation.
In 2013 she graduated from the First Moscow State University medical university named after I.M. Sechenov with a degree in Healthcare Organization. Married, has children.
Vera Foundation
Founded by A. Federmesser in 2006, the Vera Foundation is the first and only foundation in Russia dedicated to helping hospices and their patients, as well as the country’s only endowment in the field of healthcare. Among the members of the Foundation's board of trustees are the writer L. Ulitskaya, actresses I. Dapkunaite, T. Drubich, dancer A. Liepa, and other artists, writers and musicians. The motto of the foundation is “If a person cannot be cured, this does not mean that he cannot be helped.”
The Foundation has a regional assistance program, a children's program, and an on-site service. According to 2014 data, among the Foundation’s wards there are 170 Moscow children and 151 children in the regions. The foundation helps 32 hospices across the country, more than 320 families with seriously ill children receive assistance, and more than 400 volunteers take part in the work. In 2014, the Foundation spent more than 4 million rubles on training doctors.
The Foundation is engaged charitable projects, including auction and book publishing activities, holds children's holidays “Sweet day for those who have a hard time”, bringing both joy to the wards and funds to help them. In 2014, to help relatives of patients, the Foundation published the book “A Man Is Dying. What to do?".
Since 2011, the Vera Foundation, with the organizational support of the Institute of Linguistics of the Russian State humanitarian university and the Office for Work with Students of the Russian State University for the Humanities conducts international conferences“Development of palliative and hospice care for adults and children” with the participation of world experts in palliative care- Bruce Cleminson (Great Britain), David Steinhorn (USA), Lynn Halamish (Israel), Tamara Klikovac (Serbia), Jean-François Collet (Switzerland), A. V. Gnezdilov, N. Federmesser, D. Nevzorova, Frederica de Graaf , L. Moniava, A. Sonkina-Dorman, V. Shtabnitsky and others.
In 2013, the foundation became a laureate of the Moscow Formula of Life festival. The laureate's diploma was presented to Anna Federmesser on November 25 by Moscow Mayor Sergei Sobyanin in the White Hall of the City Hall.
Together with the Gift of Life Foundation, the Vera Foundation initiated the creation of the first children's hospice in Moscow, “House with a Lighthouse,” which is scheduled to open in 2016. According to A. Federmesser, “like the first Moscow adult hospice, the first Moscow children’s hospice should become a model for the whole country.”
What is corporate social responsibility?
Corporate social responsibility, the purpose of which is to develop the business itself, is not corporate social responsibility, but successful marketing, successful PR, this is not about society.
Tatyana Zadirako's report states that today corporate social responsibility is equated with charity, and this is neither good nor bad, this is the norm that exists today. The question is why this is so.
Corporate social responsibility today should be equal to charity in that society (I, of course, know better the area in which I work, in which the Vera Hospice Charitable Foundation operates), in which a dying person cannot receive pain relief and is forced to publicly shoot himself, to draw attention to this problem, in which there is not a single children's hospice, and dying children are excluded from the medical system, in which in Moscow, one of the richest cities in the world, in the 21st century, on the street in winter a homeless person can freeze and die from the cold.
In our multi-confessional environment today, multinational country, where murders of people of color regularly occur in some cities, it would be corporate socially responsible to promote family values, regardless of religious affiliation. Because I don't know of a religion that doesn't value family, that doesn't value marriage, and that doesn't value children.
It is important that the postulate that today corporate responsibility is charity is heard not as a disadvantage, as if we are somehow underdeveloped. This stage is normal biological growth that we need to go through in order to reach the next stage, without this it will not work.
In my opinion, the social responsibility of companies consists of three components: caring for their own staff, charity (it must be conscious and focused on what is happening in society) and volunteering, which combines both.
Vera Foundation
The Vera Foundation has existed since 2006, we are supported by many brightest people, and most of them are people connected in one way or another with culture. And this is significant because these are people of fine spiritual organization: writers, poets, actors. They understand well what hospices are, how to treat terminally ill people and the dying with dignity, regardless of their age. It is creative people who mostly support our foundation, but in the last few years business people have begun to join.
Corporate social responsibility is not only about business, it is about a charitable foundation too. A charity may raise money and then distribute the collected funds simply to allow specific problem, fill the existing gap. This is how almost any fund starts: initiative group people find themselves caught up in one problem or another: stray dogs, homeless people, sick children, shortage of drugs in clinics. And it begins " targeted assistance", the decision of some specific issues. In the case of our fund, these were purchases of consumables.
Very soon it becomes clear that if you want to change something in your direction, you need to analyze and not throw money into a black hole. Gifts in orphanage on New Year– this is throwing money into a black hole, this is corporate irresponsibility, irresponsible charity. The only thing a child needs in an orphanage is a mother.
There is a wonderful foundation “Big Brothers and Big Sisters”, it does what it is looking for married couples who, at least for the weekend, will take children into families and accustom them to society. This will be a responsibility, and this fund is waiting for organizations that will bring their employees there en masse as volunteers.
We began to think further: there are a lot of dying people, there are few hospices, and they are, to put it mildly, not very good, people work there for low salaries, there is not enough painkillers, but still, a hospice can help three hundred patients at once. . We, the initiative group, cannot help three hundred people at once.
Then we began to look for those hospices that respond better than others to the need to learn, are ready to move somewhere, and whose staff have not yet completely burned out from this difficult work - being close to dying people every day.
About death with dignity
Concept worthy death existed from time immemorial, when there were no diapers, no proper beds, no lifts attached to the ceiling, but there was an understanding of what it meant to die with dignity, next to a loved one, without pain, without dirt and humiliation.
This means that the question here is not about money, not about culture, but about how educated our doctor today is, how much he understands what the ethics of communication with a patient is. And in order for girls who come from medical schools to learn to address a patient by name and patronymic, to knock on the door, in order for the chief doctors of hospices to open their doors and allow relatives into the wards around the clock, they need to start learning not even from medical school. This requires corporate socially responsible businesses that will educate staff and society.
We realized that we need to make changes to the legislation, including through our foundation. It is a great happiness for me that two years ago, in the law “On the Protection of Citizens’ Health,” the concept of palliative care appeared and the corresponding specialty was recorded.
Further from the center of Moscow
We spend 35 million rubles a year on the First Moscow Hospice; it’s easy to find money and organizations ready to help. Because the hospice is in the center of Moscow, he came and showed. Another thing is regional hospices, which are a long way to travel. There are 30 hospices in the regions that we help, and this is only 30 million rubles a year, more money we can't collect.
There is a hospice in Lipetsk, and there is also a Lipetsk metallurgical plant. Children in orphanages are bought gifts for the New Year, but the Lipetsk hospice is not helped.
Samara is not a poor city; the annual budget of the Samara hospice, which consists of state money, is 4 million rubles a year. The budget of the first Moscow hospice, a state-owned one, is 110 million rubles. I won’t talk about some other cities, and what the budget is there, and what happens in these hospices.
I always feel uneasy when I look at the foundation’s posters on the streets of Moscow: “If a person cannot be cured, this does not mean that he cannot be helped.” Speaking from the heart, this is true - there are at most 5-6 hospices in the country, and the rest of the hospices cannot help, they have neither staff nor funds.
There is no children's hospice in Moscow, we will build one in the near future: the government has allocated money to us, it will be in the center of Moscow.
Poland is not very large, there are 139 hospices for adults and 27 for children. There are very few children's hospices in Russia, and none at all in Moscow. This is not because children in Poland are poorly treated and die. No matter what medicine is available, both children and adults will die. Today we do not yet have a children's hospice, but we have a huge mobile service and raise funds to help children through Facebook.
I would be happy if some big holding said that he is ready to be socially responsible, that a child can die in any family, and one can become terminally ill at any moment, that we will be socially responsible and we will simply help at least the outreach service program, because it is a shame that in Russia there are very few children's hospices.
One partner
We analyzed donations for 2013 from individuals and legal entities (including from events and commercial projects of the foundation), and I was upset when I realized that we have only one partner - a legal entity, this is the RusHydro company, which decided to help , regardless of the decision of my leader, I don’t even know the name of the head of the company. And everyone else legal entities– this is the personal initiative of the owner of the company, our agreement with this or that person.
Even if these are regular donations, even if these are several companies, it is still the decision of one person, which is not disputed, which is not discussed and which does not cause either joy or understanding among the board of directors, or the management, or the employees of the company as a whole. Maybe they would like to take toys to an orphanage, and then they need to explain why they are helping the hospice, why the money is spent on this, but this is unlikely to happen.
I absolutely don’t care where the money comes from, from what company - cigarette, alcohol, Coca-Cola, because I understand perfectly well that social responsibility is about society, not about business. If this is the decision of the company leader, then I don’t care either, but it’s just not that promising. Corporate social responsibility in a company begins when the personal responsibility of the manager develops into strategy.
Not PR and marketing
Several businessmen conducted an analysis of the charity market, and they calculated how much money a charity could attract. Most great potential, the most money we don’t attract is money individuals, not companies. But an orphanage, a children's hospice, a child, a stray dog - this is something that you and I, citizens, passers-by who do not have time for analysis, can easily respond to and give money for. And training, hospice in Lipetsk, Taganrog, Volgograd - this should be the social responsibility of companies. School construction, construction or renovation orphanage, not gifts - this is the social responsibility of companies.
It is important for the foundation to have “anchor donors” who will take responsibility in a specific segment: for example, maintaining a children’s hospice field service or helping one of the hospices in the regions.
When I thought about socially responsible corporate charity, I realized that this is an algorithm, and if this algorithm is fulfilled, then it will be, this responsibility is not fulfilled, then this responsibility will not exist.
Let's take an ideal picture: a company wants to be socially responsible in the field of charity, it must choose a segment of the charity market. The market is large, there are many segments, you need to analyze the market, you need to understand what is happening, how legislation works in a particular area, what are the prospects, when did it start, study Western experience.
No normal company manager can do this, which means that for this there must be individual.
Today at large companies charity is such an appendage, it is thrown into either marketing or PR. PR and marketing in any commercial company- this is a division aimed at generating profit for the company; profit and corporate social responsibility are two different things. This must be a separate person or a separate department. Then he analyzes the market, he is immersed in the problem, he can select several options and give the board the opportunity to choose from several one. Then there will be control over the expenditure of funds, then there will be obvious openness and transparency.
Openness is very important, it must be ready to criticize. And, of course, joint actions must be carried out. Corporate social responsibility is about attracting your employees, because they make any business successful, and it’s great if a business treats its staff socially responsibly and, among other things, competently develops volunteering in its company.
As a very short example: “Hello, such and such a company, we want to come to the hospice, we have 60 employees, we want a cleanup day, social volunteering.” We say: “Come.” In response, they declare that their theme is “ecology” and they will plant something. If there is no need to plant, they can come and work with the children. And our children are dying, we can’t take care of them, because this is corporate irresponsibility. If a company gets something for it, then this is not corporate social responsibility. Society should receive something.
Children in schools, instead of flowers on September 1, donated money with their teachers, which then went to the fund. This is how we understand social responsibility, her growth starting from children.
There can be no awareness without responsibility. When we went to a meeting with children on September 1, I asked a question to seventh-graders, 13 years old: “Do you understand why money is needed for charity, why you can’t just come and help?” No one answered, they put the money in the box, and I explained to them why the fund needed money. I am absolutely sure that this knowledge will remain with them for a long time, they now know why charity needs money.
Prepared by Oksana Golovko
Photo and video – Igor Davydov
Nyuta Federmesser, President of the Vera Hospice Charitable Foundation:
The most dangerous thing at work is gratitude.
When my mother realized that she was dying, she very calmly told me: “Nyuta, that’s it. Stop fussing."
- Mom, are you scared?
- No, it’s not scary, it’s not painful, it’s not cold, I don’t feel thirsty.
But I know for sure: she was very afraid. I understood that it was inevitable. And she knew that the moment was approaching when the fate of the hospice would be decided.
As she left, she said two important things. So that Masha and I ( older sister) were friends. And for the hospice to work.
She didn’t drag my sister and me here; on the contrary, she talked both of us out of medical care. Now my sister is a lawyer and consults here at the hospice, and I am an English teacher, working with the Vera Foundation.
The main thing is to save the hospice. Don't let the staff raised by mom leave. Avoid hiring people who are contrary to the spirit of the hospice. Do everything to ensure that people maintain decent wages (there are a hundred employees here, and they owe very much for their hard work get normal money). So that the hospice can afford to be free, not because everyone here is so moral, but because there is enough money. So that this hospice, the first in Moscow, created by my mother, remains the best.
...When this building was being built, my mother forgot something, called home, I came and brought it. I was 15 years old. That's all. I never left here. Washed, cleaned; At that time, the hospice was just starting, there were few staff, I worked on the field service, with a team, as a nurse.
To be honest, it was a kind of posturing. Everyone goes to discos, and I go to a hospice to help the dying. I even had love here, I married a nurse. Mom, of course, immediately kicked him out of the hospice, and she didn’t care at all that it was unethical and authoritarian. She kicked me out, and then we broke up, without any drama, we broke up, and that was it.
I was very arrogant, impudent, and today the old me would categorically not be accepted here. But 16 years ago there were no criteria. And now there is. A lot of volunteers come to us with the feeling that they bring light and goodness. And this is the most wrong thing for patients. Humility comes later. And it comes easier to young people. And for those who are older, it is sometimes more difficult. Then we have to break up.
I understood a long time ago what is good and bad in a hospice.
...There was a patient who became especially attached to me. And I started winter holidays at the institute, I told him that I was leaving for four days, when I returned, I would cut his hair and shave it. And so it happened - I stayed another week. When I returned, he had already died. His mother gave me his notebook: “He kept writing something for you there.” And so I see it written many times: “When will Nyuta arrive?! When will he arrive? I want to die with my hair cut and shaved.” A terrible feeling that you tamed and abandoned.
The most dangerous thing for evaluating work is the gratitude of relatives and patients. Yes, there are good rooms, amenities, medicines, special staff. And it is very easy to make both relatives and patients be grateful to us. But you need to listen to those who complain, who demand more and better. You need to think all the time how you want it to be if it were you lying here.
Today a woman whose friend has been staying with us for three days told me: “We got here with such difficulty!” - "Why?!" - “And we were given a referral to the third hospice, and they didn’t take us there.” - "Why?" - “Because they said that we don’t treat brain tumors!” The hospice chooses the dying! They don't want complicated things.
Mom was so wise, she always said: go outside the gate and leave your work behind the fence. She did not bring any grief or tears home. There is a professional approach; If you die with each patient, you will very soon go and hang yourself, if you live everything all over again with each patient, you will not be able to help others.
My husband is often offended by me. I call him at the end of the day and say: “I’m already leaving. I'll be there in an hour." I'll arrive in three. He shouts: “Well, what is this?!” As much as possible! But you go down to the first floor, where the hospital is, and if on the way out you bump into someone’s relative, you cannot tell him: “I know your daughter is dying, but, excuse me, my husband is waiting for me at home...”
The most difficult days are weekends, New Year's and May holidays. This New Year, 2011, it so happened that on the thirty-first day one woman’s father left, another woman’s husband left. And one young man my wife was leaving. And it’s New Year’s Eve for everyone, with friends and neighbors. And I couldn’t give anyone’s phone number, because our employees also deserved their New Year. These people needed support, wanted to understand what to do and how much time was left.
I was on the phone with them all day. I was setting the table, preparing something, and they told me: such a pulse, such breathing... In this situation, you just say: “Let's wait, let's be silent, I won't hang up...”
A week ago, dad was at a concert here at the hospice. He copes with loneliness very well, but he came here and burst into tears. It was hard to watch. And he explained: at home I always feel that she is not there. But here it is, and here it is everywhere. And her office remained her office (Victoria Viktorovna, current chief physician, did not take it delicately), and her staff, and her spirit.
I very often want to consult with my mother, I want her to tell me, give me some advice. But if I stop and wonder what she would do, I get this advice.
Hospice is not part of medicine, but part of culture. The level of culture of a society is not its attitude towards children. But the general understanding is that this old woman lived her whole life - she worked, raised children, was in love. And now it’s abandoned and no one needs it. Hospice is a treatment for people who are often very elderly but alive. They cannot be cured, but they can be helped. And the fact that they evoke fear, disgust, and disgust in many are indicators of our savagery.
There is one area that my mother did not have the strength to tackle. This is the development of the hospice movement as a whole.
It's strange to call it that.
Mom got Luzhkov to sign an order that there should be hospices in every district of the capital, and they are everywhere except the Western and Eastern districts.
There are very worthy hospices in Moscow, very worthy people. In general, undeserving people do not stay long in a hospice; it is better, worse, more money, less - bad person won't work here. He will not bother wiping other people's butts and tears.
But there is not a single hospice, except ours, with round-the-clock visits for relatives, this is critical and disgusting. Close people are dying in the wards, but here is the schedule, passport regime.
If you ask a person where he wants to die, almost everyone will answer: at home. Within your own walls, with your own view from the window, with your own books. And if this is possible, then the field service has the maximum amount of responsibilities. She can, with the help of social workers, help with cleaning, washing, lunches, obtaining medicines, with the help of volunteers - walk the dog, take children to school, with the help of a psychologist - work with relatives, with the help of a lawyer - deal with the will. We have such a mobile service, and there are two more. Only three in Moscow!
In Moscow, the budget provides money, but there are no truly free hospices except ours.
It is difficult to raise money for the Vera Foundation. It is difficult to get help from business. To earn money, we publish books, organize concerts, and sell tickets. And no one refused us: neither poets, nor writers. When we held a ballet evening with the help of Maris Liepa, none of the artists refused. Rostropovich, Gutman, Virsaladze, Bashmet performed for free.
But the experience of RAMT is unique. This is the first organization that offered help itself; we did not ask. In Tom Stoppard's play "Rock and Roll", which is currently being staged by RAMT, one of the main characters dies of cancer. Natalya Nikolaeva, the curator of the project, organized a dinner to which she invited people from the Vera Foundation, Ingeborga Dapkunaite, one of the foundation’s trustees, and Stoppard himself. The theater came up with the idea of organizing the “Caring Rock” concert for the benefit of the hospice, and the theater took on all the work.
It is very important that precisely from these people are coming message to society. When the theater does this, and not Abramovich, it has a completely different effect on the people in the audience.
One person just came to the RAMT box office and bought 100 tickets for 2 thousand and 50 for three. And he said: give it to anyone you want! And now Lenkom has offered us a charity performance for the benefit of the foundation.
...I would give a lot to get an answer to the question: did my mother want me to do this?
This is a very difficult inheritance. Not the inheritance you use, but the one you need to live up to. But I can’t let my mother down anymore.
Sometimes you run out of energy and you want to whine. Very! Nothing is working out, I don’t know what to do, everything is bad. And my husband says to me: are you a fool?! For people who need hospice, they feel bad! And everything is great with us!
Dossier
Anna Federmesser, the daughter of Vera Millionshchikova, chief physician and founder of the First Moscow Hospice, has a rare specialization: theatrical simultaneous interpreter.
She began calling herself Nyuta at the age of four. Today she is called that everywhere except at school, where she teaches English; there you have to endure “Anna Konstantinovna”. The surname, which means “pocket knife” in German, suits her. Most of all in life, Nyuta, according to her, loves to eat and sleep, and for the children, already fed, to sleep nearby.
Nyuta is thirty-five. Sometimes, out of fatigue, it seems to her that all the interesting things are already behind her. And I have to remember how she legendary mother said: “The most beautiful thing in a woman’s life begins at fifty. When the children have grown up, the strength still allows, the hormones stop raging and the brains finally begin to function!”
She has been involved with the Vera Foundation for 7 years.
Ilya Gorodetsky is a versatile person, incredibly charming and a damn interesting conversationalist. You can listen to it endlessly, and you are unlikely to ever get bored. It seems that Ilya knows the answers to all questions, and he always has interesting story just “for this occasion,” and the stories are filled with witty jokes and amusing turns of phrase. Ilya does not try to find the most diplomatic approach in communication and always tells the truth, even if someone may not like it.
Ilya’s wife, Nyuta Federmesser, is the founder and director of Russia’s first charitable Hospice Foundation “Vera”, director of the Moscow palliative care center. In their family, where the parents are busy with their favorite work, there are two sons. In a conversation with Artem Magidovich, our hero talked about how youngest son could become a guard for an elder, when physical punishment is necessary in education, about useful educational games for children, and also why he himself does not consider himself an exemplary dad.
Ilya is a candidate master of sports in chess, was a member of the Moscow team, worked in the Internet division of Afisha, was a professional poker player - participated in the World Series of Poker and the European Poker Tour. For many years he has been a commentator on all major poker events on Russian TV and on the Internet. Now he is one of the most popular personalities in the poker community throughout the post-Soviet space.
Ilya, how did it happen that your wife became involved in charity work and founded the Hospice Relief Fund?
This is our family business, so to speak. Nyuta's mom - – was the founder of hospice care in Russia. She created the first hospice in Moscow, which is located on Dovatora Street, right next to our house. In fact, we moved here to be close to it. On December 21, 2010, my mother-in-law passed away, she was only 68 years old, and now this hospice bears her name. My wife actually continues and develops the business that her mother started. Important role Anatoly Borisovich Chubais played a role in the creation of the Hospice Assistance Fund, who helped the hospice for many years, communicated with Vera Vasilievna and Nyuta, he wanted to put assistance to the hospice movement in Russia on a professional footing and saw an organizational streak in my wife. He convinced her that she should create such a fund and lead it. It was a long time ago - almost 10 years ago. At the beginning, there was only one employee at the Foundation - my wife. Then she got an assistant, then another one, and now the Foundation employs about 170-180 people, and it is one of the largest in the country charitable foundations. Last year the Fund collected about 400-500 million rubles. The Foundation is currently building the first children's hospice in Russia; this is a huge project that also requires hundreds of millions of investments. The investments were made by sponsors, in particular, Crocus City Mall and its owner Araz Agalarov.
What is the main activity of the Foundation?
Help for dying patients and those who directly help such patients.
Ilya and his wife - Nyuta Federmesser
How many years have you been together with your wife?
A very long time ago. I am now 38 years old, and we met in the fall of 1999 at work. We then worked on Kasparov’s website, it was the largest website about chess in the world. I edited and wrote texts about chess, and my wife was the head of the translation department, but she didn’t understand anything about chess. Our romance began in August 2000, and we began to live together in 2001. A year later, our first child, Lev, appeared. He is now 14. The youngest is Mikhail, he is 7 years old.
Where do children study?
They both study at school No. 57. One is in 8th grade, the other is in 1st grade. The youngest is studying in an experimental class. This is absolutely new project 57 school and the Center for Pedagogical Excellence, as I understand it, nothing like this has ever been done before. The experiment is quite interesting, I don’t know what it will lead to in the end, we’ll see. It is to school that he goes to lessons three days a week, but on these days there are a lot of lessons. Every Wednesday they go to museums - this is a museum-excursion day for creative development. Recently we went to the Tretyakov Gallery. Monday is the day for independent work, because the amount of homework assigned from Friday to Tuesday is quite significant. This is exactly the day when, in theory, good dad, if he had one, he would have to do his homework at home (smiles).
Doesn't daddy do his homework?
It doesn't work out very well. We are typical modern family, where parents are very busy. The main burden of doing homework fell on nanny Zina. But she is formally a nanny; she is a real family member who takes part not only in the children’s lives, but also in our lives.
Eldest son with lessons for the younger ones not working?
As is often the case with brothers, they love each other very much, but their love often ends in fights and some kind of showdown. Misha has a rather demanding character; he is generally inclined to divide and conquer. He wants to be in charge. Despite the fact that the eldest is very flexible and friendly character, but he still understands that it’s not entirely right when a man who is half his age commands him. Therefore, he sometimes tries to protest, organize acts of disobedience, and this all leads to certain difficulties between them.
Participating in such a school experiment is probably more suitable for creative, non-standard children. Is your youngest a creative person?
No! He's not creative. When he was little, we had a favorite joke that our eldest son, who was so romantic and creative, would have his youngest son work as a security guard. Because until he was 3.5 years old he didn’t speak at all.
The conversation is interrupted phone call. Ilya talks on the phone: “Yes, yes, I’ll take him. Now, oddly enough, I’m just giving an interview about fatherhood.”Ilya ends the call and returns to our conversation:
Well, we started our dialogue on time, just now the class teacher called and said that my son needed to be taken away because he was beating someone there and generally behaving indecently (we are talking about the youngest son - approx. Artem Magidovich). The only thing is that he can be forgiven for this, because this is a very sad moment for us. My sons’ grandfather, my father-in-law, died three days ago. They had a very, very close relationship, and the children have a hard time dealing with grief. My grandfather and I lived practically as one family, despite the fact that he did not live with us, he had to walk 10 minutes. Every morning he came, and we drank coffee together, and on weekends he and the children ate porridge. When the youngest was 6 years old, they watched together the American series “Homeland” about spies and all sorts of conspiracies. They did it quite harmoniously, they communicated, very touchingly explained to each other the intricacies of intelligence activities in the series. But now it’s hard to talk about it...
Let's get back to your youngest...
Yes, well, he didn’t speak until he was three and a half years old. And if he didn’t like something, he would immediately hit him - straight to the jaw, or wherever he would hit him, for example, in the stomach area. And this remains to this day. Misha doesn’t really like to read, and doesn’t really like all sorts of creative activities. It’s hard for him to read fairy tales, a couple of paragraphs is enough, after which he asks to scratch his back or do something else much more interesting than listening to some stupid fairy tales. So he is not a creative person. But what is the huge advantage of school 57, and I consider it one of the best in Moscow, is the environment and the company, the communication and the friends who surround our children there. For example, the eldest son best friend- Nikita Proshkin. This is the grandson and son of our outstanding film directors. His grandfather made such films as “Cold Summer of '53” and “Mikhailo Lomonosov”. Nikita’s dad has already represented our country at the Moscow Film Festival twice over the past three years with the films “Horde”, and this year with “Orleans”. Such communication is very helpful and develops. Therefore, as I see it, the 57th school for children is, first of all, communication and environment, even despite the fact that my youngest son cannot pass for a creative unit.
Does he show aggression both with peers and with adults?
Yes, he is quite active and aggressive. His character is like his mother's. His mother, my wife, she loves to command. Nyuta heads one of the largest charitable foundations in the country, and she has every opportunity to be the executive that she is. Misha is similar to her in many ways; he really likes to command, lead and give everyone valuable instructions. But it just so happens that he is the youngest in the family, and this gives him a certain cognitive dissonance, which he sometimes tries to compensate for with fairly aggressive behavior. But in any case, compared to what happened when he was very little, he has done big way. In principle, he is a smart guy, and most often you can come to an agreement with him. But he, like any child, has some breakdowns. When it is not possible to reach an agreement, then you have to punish somehow.
Have you resorted to the help of psychologists?
This is absolutely not our topic! To be honest, I consider most psychologists simply charlatans. I think there is no point in contacting them. I believe that we still cannot find a better psychologist for our children than my wife and I.
What do you do in case of excessive aggression?
In the case of the older child, no physical punishment was ever required, because you could always talk to him, and his behavior, let’s say, in public, it returned to normal. Therefore, there was simply no point and no need for such punishment. Nowadays it is such a very fashionable trend that children should never be touched with a finger. Well, I don’t know, it seems to me that there are very different children, and any dogmatism is harmful. Now less and less, but before there was a period when the youngest child had to be spanked quite regularly. I saw absolutely no other way to bring him to his senses and return his behavior to relative normality. Therefore, I do not have such a prejudice that a child should not be spanked.
Did such punishment help?
He gets offended, angry, withdraws into himself for a while, but moves away very quickly. By at least, his unbridled behavior was suspended.
Do you consider yourself a strict dad?
We had a rather unusual situation. For many years in our family I was the “kind investigator”, and my mother was the strict one. Simply because my wife in life is, so to speak, a tougher person. But it so happened that the wife became big public figure and does just a huge amount of work – both professional and social. She is at home very little and, accordingly, spends very little time with the children, and she wants to spoil her sons. Since she misses them very much, she lacks communication, then we lately, so to speak, the roles have changed. Because I most of time at home, I became strict, and my mother, on the contrary, became kind and allowing a little more.
Since you are now an “evil policeman,” you should know exactly what the most terrible punishment for your little "criminals"?
In modern times, unfortunately, this is a common thing - any sanctions related to electronic devices.
How do you regulate communication with electronic toys?
We try to limit it, but there are no clear rules. The eldest son’s character is very close to, well, not exactly angelic, but he is, in any case, flexible. True, he is, unfortunately, a slacker. And all the problems that exist at school are due to the fact that he simply does not fulfill homework, doesn’t work at home, doesn’t do homework, and so on. Leo is the owner of his own laptop, and usually it happens like this - after the holidays, 2-3 weeks after the start of school, he collects a scattering of two marks due to unfinished homework. After this, his computer is confiscated, and he spends the rest of the quarter working to correct those very bad marks. Then a new cycle occurs - at some point the computer is returned to him, and again everything returns to normal. But the funny thing is that sometimes he even thanks us for taking away the gadgets. He doesn't have the willpower to just get away from the computer.
Have you played these games professionally? mind games like chess and poker, and what games can you recommend that can really contribute to the development of children?
Unlike my wife, I am not an opponent of computer games; many of them are quite educational. I don't think it's evil or that it causes any harm. But naturally, when it exceeds some limits, it must be stopped.
The youngest son now plays a lot of such a game as “ "(computer collectible card turn-based game based on the Warcraft universe - approx. Artem Magidovich) . WITH recently I also became interested in her, now we play together. For a seven year old this game is very difficult. Nevertheless, he plays it quite well, and I certainly don’t mind, because this activity fully develops his thinking, consciousness, ability to count and calculate options. He also plays chess, although without much success.
The older child is very interested in the game " ", this is also a collectible card game, there you need to build your deck. He plays live, goes to a special club – “Unicorn”, I think it’s called, and participates in tournaments. Now he plays it quite well. This game is really relevant in terms of developing thinking, although, in my opinion, it is incredibly boring! Even more boring than poker, but he likes it.
If children want to play poker, like you, will you somehow prevent this or, on the contrary, give some parting words?
No, I definitely won’t interfere. Although I have been promoting poker for about 10 years, I always try to tell the truth. Poker is not some dream job or something like a guaranteed lottery win. Poker is hard work with unpredictable results. If this work interests them, let them do it. But I'm 99.9% sure that my eldest son will never be a poker player. He lacks this streak of rivalry and competition. In poker it is very important to have a thirst for victory, and even when he plays his “Magic”, he is much more interested in the process itself. Sometimes he even condemns me that I cannot enjoy this game precisely because I am very focused on winning, and for me it is more important to win than to enjoy the beauty of the game. In many ways, he is right, of course, and in general he is already such an adult, I am interested in communicating with him and his opinion is interesting on many issues.
Misha is more of an athlete, more motivated to succeed, to achieve something. Therefore, it is quite possible that he will be interested in poker. But on the other hand, everything comes from childhood, and before, when he often asked me to play with him, I couldn’t, because I was playing some kind of session or poker tournament. And it seems to me that he hasn’t really liked poker since childhood, because it took up a significant part of his dad’s time.
What other hobbies do children have besides computer and card games?
The youngest, as I already said, is involved in chess, but is just starting, he has been going to the professional section since October. He likes chess. I'm pleased with this because I'm a former chess player. I devoted many years to this game and would like one of my sons to play chess at least a little. Much success Mikhail has not achieved it yet, well, partly because he is also not the most hardworking, unfortunately. This is probably a general problem with modern children.
The eldest went to the pool for seven years, but now he quit because he was tired. The youngest still goes to the pool, as well as acrobatics, and chess, so he has quite a varied pastime.
Can you be seen on the sports ground?
Oddly enough, it is possible. The children recently became interested in basketball, and we hung a hoop in our yard. We go out onto the site and assign roles. Since I don’t follow basketball now, the old stars remain for me. The kids play John Stockton and Karl Malone, and I, of course, play Dikembe Mutombo. Probably because I am only 171 cm tall, I always wanted to be Dikembe Mutombo.
Have your children already expressed any thoughts about what they want to be in the future?
The eldest son is a pure humanist, his favorite subject is history, which really appeals to me, I was also interested in this subject at school. I make fun of him that if he becomes a historian, then I will have to drag him on my hump until the carrot plot. And the younger one claims for now that he will be an archaeologist. It seems that he even more or less understands what archaeologists do. He probably thinks this is a very romantic specialty. And until he understands that this is a very painstaking and boring task that requires immersion in science. But he is still seven years old, so I think that his plans will change several times.
Do you have any preferences as to who you would like your sons to be in the future?
They will become whoever they want! I have no wishes, no ideas, absolutely nothing.
How do you spend time with your family?
We all love to go to restaurants together, our children also love to eat tasty and good food. We can go to the cinema. We so rarely spend time together as a family that any time spent together is already a holiday for us.
When you are at home with your sons and have nothing to do, what do you do?
Let's play together. The younger one loves monopoly, but for me it’s just melancholy. The older one is trying to force me to play Magic, but it’s boring for me too. We can play Hearthstone together, we can watch something on TV, we can play hamster, we can go for a walk.
The eldest child is a teenager, as I jokingly call him “a nasty teenager,” although for a nasty one he’s a good guy. But still, 14 years is the age when a person likes to sit in his room alone and listen to music or rummage through a computer or phone, and by and large he doesn't need anyone. I understand this, so we try to provide him with some space of his own when he wants to be alone or chat with friends. A 14-year-old teenager is often not interested in adults. That’s why I often “troll” him about the vile teenager.
Do you have any family prohibitions that children should absolutely not do?
The only thing we demand from children is to be decent people!
Among the many questions about the work of the Foundation and the hospice, the question of how to get to the hospice is very often asked. In some strange way, the question immediately says the following: it is clear that it is difficult to get in, it is clear that there is a queue, it is clear that you will have to give something to someone. Tell who and how much. I always answer the same way - alas, it’s not difficult to get in, you just need to have cancer in the fourth stage. It turns out I'm not always right.
It is not difficult to get into a hospice if:
1. you know that hospice exists;
2. your local general practitioner and local oncologist know that the hospice exists and what type of care it provides;
3. we're talking about about the First Moscow Hospice.
The fact is that the referral to the hospice is given by the district oncologist. The oncologist makes a referral to the hospice in his district. There are 8 hospices in Moscow, today there are 11 districts. That is, hundreds of patients living in the Western and Eastern districts and in the newly annexed territories do not have a hospice in the district at all. By law, these patients have the right to choose any of the hospices available in Moscow, and if space is available and in agreement with the chief physician, they are admitted there. Do district oncologists remember this and do patients know about this right?
On Monday, at a large weekly conference at the First Moscow Hospice, all deaths over the past week are usually reviewed. And yesterday, at such a conference, doctors reported on a patient from the Western District of Moscow, who died in a hospice on Saturday, having spent less than a day there. The doctor on duty ended his report by saying that this is a typical result of late seeking help.
The reason for such a late appeal lies precisely in the fact that the district oncologist and the general practitioner from the 195th polyclinic did not tell the relatives about the possibility of hospitalizing their 83-year-old mother in a hospice, where she, and the whole family, would have been helped during these last, such difficult times. weeks. The daughter learned about the hospice from friends, she began to ask for a referral, the clinic did not know what documents were needed, the process of completing all the papers took a week. The woman was getting worse at home and when, finally, the documents were ready and transportation arrived from the hospice, she was already in a coma and died in the hospice a few hours later. No real help We didn’t have time to provide it. Moreover, having seen the conditions and attitude of the staff, my daughter began to worry that she had not organized hospitalization earlier, that she could have helped her mother, but alas... That is, we even worsened her psychological state with an additional burden of guilt.
But it could have been different. If the care system worked, if doctors in clinics had the opportunity, time, knowledge, and strength to think about their patients. If doctors’ ambitions came after the desire to help. If only there were enough hospices and if the topics of dying and hospice care were not taboo in our sick society.
But when a couple of weeks ago one died in our hospice famous artist, a photograph of him appeared in the press, already dead, pale, emaciated by illness, and journalists did not hesitate to write that his friends managed to hospitalize him in a hospice for money. You can lie and take pictures of the dead, the circulation will sell out faster.
And when two years ago I tried to arrange for the offices of all Moscow oncologists to have posters about hospices made by the foundation with their addresses and a description of the help that can be received there completely free of charge, I was refused, explaining the reason for the refusal as follows: why upset with information about possible death from cancer in a hospice for those who came to the oncologist with the hope of recovery. This is inhumane. Of course, it is much more humane when a person dies without receiving help at all. But unnoticed by others.
And when the First Moscow Hospice decided to gather all district oncologists for a special meeting to once again talk about cooperation and timely transfer of patients, only 4 people from those announced by the management came to the meeting central district 32. And these 4 already cooperate with us perfectly, and the rest had Friday, one of the first warm weekends. Why go to some hospice for some meeting.
Does it still make sense to say that a woman who was not hospitalized in a hospice on time was a minor prisoner of a concentration camp during the war, lived a long and difficult life in a country that is not the most humane, she gave birth to and raised a daughter, and she was unlucky enough to get cancer in the end, and she was also unlucky to live in the Western District, where doctors don’t know about the hospice and where, at the end of her life, another concentration camp awaited her - provoked by the system, or rather, the lack of a system of care for cancer patients.
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