Is it possible to offend? How to be offended correctly so that you are understood

But the feeling of guilt, if it is true and not neurotic, is a very important feeling. It allows you to see the boundaries of another person and respect them.

Nowadays, the expression is very fashionable: “You can’t offend, you can only be offended.” Perhaps it originally contained the meaning of human responsibility:

• Should I keep a grudge?
• let go
• how to react to the situation.

But in the end, this phrase sounds as if it completely removes the blame from the offender. And then it turns out that we don’t have abusive parents who beat their children, inflict psychological violence, or even drive them to death, there are no rapists, murderers, thieves, organizers of genocides... Or rather, of course, they exist, but are not responsible for their actions. Because this other party suddenly dares to be offended.

Am I exaggerating? Okay, so be it. But while working with preschool children in the 2000s, I noticed this: children 5-7 years old can identify all feelings and emotions, except guilt. The children say: “The boy is sad about something.” Are you right? Of course they are right. But to the next question: “What can he be sad about?”, the answer follows: “Someone offended him” - “And what else could he be sad about?” - “Someone beat him, called him names, didn’t treat him well.” want to play..." And it happens that sometimes no, no, and one little voice will break through (usually girls): "He offended someone".

And if there is competition for roles in productions, everyone wants to play, then few people want to play Vanya from L. Tolstoy’s story “The Bone”.

And here’s what comes out of all this: we don’t have a golden mean in education. In Soviet times, many children experienced neurotic guilt. The image of a mother sending a small child across the fields at night to steal cucumbers was an example of proper upbringing. And now the opposite is being conveyed to children: you cannot offend anyone (except us, precious parents), they can only offend you. And so as not to offend you, as soon as they look askance, fight back. And it’s better to hit it straight on.

But the feeling of guilt, if it is true and not neurotic, is a very important feeling. It allows you to see the boundaries of another person and respect them. It allows you to notice your bad deed and ask for forgiveness, correct what you did, atone (do another good deed if it is no longer possible to correct).

You may say: yes, it’s simple; children aged 5-7 years old find it difficult to define such a complex feeling as guilt.

But no. I disagree. A child of three years old can understand that he has offended. Since the first separation had already occurred (the psychological umbilical cord with the mother had finally broken), the child began to feel separate. And he began to understand and study: where are his boundaries and where are others.

True, he does this very whimsically and not everywhere, realizing his guilt.

So, for example, this is how my cousin Sashka (3 years 2 months) talks about resentment.

Sashka hit my daughter Arina. And he didn’t want to apologize. Then they played. Arina decided to feed him soup at lunchtime. Sashka flatly refused. He came and started playing with toys on the carpet. Then he got tired, Arina began to call him: “Sasha, get on my bed.” And this is what he replies: “No, Aiya (Arina), I offended you: I didn’t want to eat the soup.” The fact that he hit did not offend, but the fact that he refused to eat the soup did. Here, of course, regarding soup, the influence of parents and adults can also be felt: when a child does not do as they want, adults can say: “You didn’t do as I wanted, you didn’t fulfill my request, I was offended.” This is a kind of manipulation. In my opinion, a person offends when he violates the boundaries of another. I say to Sashka: “Sasha, I think that you offended Arisha when you hit her, because she was in a lot of pain, but when you didn’t eat the soup, you didn’t offend her, you DIDN’T FEED YOURSELF.”

Thus, a three-year-old can already understand that it is possible to offend, but he still often cannot decide: and what exactly, since the rapid assimilation of social norms occurs in middle preschool age: 4-5 years. And by the age of 5-7, when the second separation from parents occurs (the child begins to reflect on his own), the child’s spontaneity disappears, when the child can already consciously cause harm to another, consciously deceive, the understanding that I CAN OFFEND is even more so already there.

Yes, differentiated self-esteem is normally formed by school, by the age of seven, when the understanding comes that you are not the best in everything, you have both strengths and weaknesses. And this, of course, plays a role, but still a child of 5-6 years old can see and understand his unseemly actions.

Thus, our important task is to form in children understanding and respect for both their own boundaries and the boundaries of other people. And so that children understand that it is possible to both offend and be offended!

Let me introduce you to an ancient, but still respected and revered family. Resentment- Slavic goddess of misfortune and misfortune. A black swan that opposes the supreme light Gods. Her mother Mara is the goddess of death, disease and anger, her father Koschey is the god of the underworld. Her sisters: Msta - the goddess of revenge and punishment, Zhelya - the goddess of pity, sadness and crying, Karna - the goddess of sorrow and grief.

The rapid development of the external, technical and everyday aspects of human life gives us the illusion that we have already gone very far from our ancestors in the internal plane. It seems to us that we have become more civilized, wiser, nobler, more spiritual and more conscious. That we should be more humane, understanding, accepting. After all, we have learned to forgive our enemies. And sometimes we even learned to forgive our family and friends.

However, with amazing persistence we continue to be offended by parents, children, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, loved ones, girlfriends, friends. For bosses and employees. On the neighbors next door. Even to unfamiliar and complete strangers. And which of us has never succeeded don't be offended to fate? To the injustice of higher powers?

But, on the other hand: answer yourself honestly - which of us has never offended anyone? That is, more precisely, which of us has never been offended by anyone?

So we continue to pay tribute to this cloud maiden of sorrow. We have to admit that resentment is an integral part of our lives. Why do we diligently want to get rid of it? Is it possible to completely stop being offended? And how is that: don't be offended? How does a person feel who is not offended? How does he live?

In the last article we looked at ways to quickly overcoming resentment. This time we will go deeper and find out what the roots of resentment are, and whether it is possible to live without resentment.

Navigation through the article “Resentment. What is resentment? Rules that change life: what to do so as not to be offended"

Feeling resentful: sentence or choice?

Here we are faced with some confusion of concepts.

Resentment- this is, on the one hand, a certain fact or situation that led to negative consequences for you. With another, resentment is a feeling, an emotional reaction to a situation. And there is also resentment as behavior - our actions as a result of the situation and our own emotional reaction.

Explanatory dictionaries write: “Resentment - Insult, grief inflicted on someone unfairly, undeservedly, as well as the feeling caused by this.” By the way, I suggest you think: how do you think there are grief and insults caused “fairly and deservedly”? Interestingly, in Ancient Rus', resentment was also the name (definition) of a crime: causing moral or material harm to a specific person.

So, if we are talking about how to “live without offense,” then I propose to agree that we are not talking about living without situations of offense. This is simply impossible. People's interests overlap too often, sometimes they even exclude each other.

People, trying to satisfy their needs and desires, voluntarily or unwittingly, consciously or not, intentionally or “not knowing what they are doing,” step on each other’s boundaries, thereby causing grief, insult, and offense. And the one to whom this grief is inflicted may well consider it undeserved and unfair.

My foot was stepped on in transport. The saleswoman was rude. Management did not promote me. The wife was dancing with someone else. The guy spends all his evenings on the computer. My husband doesn't give flowers. My teenage son doesn't help around the house. My grown daughter calls once a month. My father didn't include it in his will. My friend didn't invite me to my birthday party. Employees throw in extra work. The list of offensive situations is enormous, as are the types of human relationships in which they can arise.

But, of course, you have noticed: some people in these situations will feel offended, while others will not, they know how not to be offended. And the intensity of this feeling will be different: for some it is stronger, for some it is weaker, for others it is barely expressed at all. And the shades of experiences are also different: anger, rage, frustration, sadness, anger, fear, shame, disgust.

We cannot avoid hurtful situations. Then let's look at what the emotional reaction consists of - a feeling of resentment. And here I propose to make some conceptual revolution.

Resentment is not a feeling. This thought. Or a few thoughts, the essence of which can be summarized as follows:

• "It's not fair!"
• "It is not right!"
• “He/She/They/The World/God/Fate is wrong!”
• “He/She/They/The World/God/Fate has no right to do this!”
• "This shouldn't happen!"

And all these thoughts are united under the slogan “He/She/They/The World/God/Fate is to blame for this!”

These thoughts are accompanied by a whole set of emotional experiences that make up what we call “resentment.” Namely:

• irritation/anger/anger/rage at the offender
• irritation / anger / anger / rage at yourself
• irritation/anger/anger/rage at the world/fate
• sadness/sadness/ a pity/grief - in relation to oneself or one’s desires, needs, expectations, relationships.

Now we have come to the most basic point: how can we change our attitude towards the situation? Let us remind you that your attitude depends on your rules of justice, on your opinion about how the world, people, relationships, yourself, etc. should be structured.

Awareness instead of autopilot - a chance not to be led by resentment

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Almost all people experience resentment at some point in their lives. Some quickly forget about such an incident, while others cannot forgive the offender for a long time. There are some grievances that should not be forgiven. But there are no universal recommendations on this matter. Every person has boundaries beyond which he cannot forgive. At the same time, it is unlikely that anyone will deny that touchiness is a negative quality.

It is difficult for others to build relationships with a person who does not forgive anything. In addition, a hidden grudge is always a heavy burden on a person’s shoulders. On one side of the scale there is always resentment, and on the other there is a desire to improve relationships. If we are talking about a person who is not very important to you, you can simply forget the offense. But when your relationship with him is of great importance to you, you should sort out your feelings and try to forgive. This will make building relationships much easier. Despite the fact that most often we are deeply offended by the people dear to us.

If you have been seriously offended by someone close to you, you need to sit down at the negotiating table. Understand what happened. This can sometimes be very difficult to do. But it’s always worth remembering that the other person’s view is completely different from yours. He may not know that he has offended you. Try to understand the motives of the offender, why he did this to you. Was it the intention to harm you? Or was it an accident? Or maybe the offender has no idea about your feelings?

Why is resentment needed?

Forgiveness is more necessary for those who have been offended. It is not always necessary to repent of the offender in order to let go of the anger towards him. Try to track why you hold a grudge against a person. There are often cases when a person deliberately causes a feeling of guilt and manipulates the offender. It is unlikely that such a relationship can be called sincere.

There is another version of strong resentment: when a person keeps it to himself. In this case, she destroys him from the inside, directs his life towards self-destruction. After all, subconsciously, we wish the offender death.

Resentment is always a demand for a certain attitude or behavior towards oneself. To forgive, you need to figure out whether such a requirement is really adequate or is it just pride and pride.

Forgiving strong offenses always requires great psychological effort and time. But psychological comfort and peace of mind at the moment of letting go of anger is always worth it. You should not hope that as soon as you decide to forgive, the resentment will evaporate. Forgiving deep hurts takes time. At the same time, the sooner you start to deal with your feelings, the better. When resentment lives in the mind for a long time, over time it acquires more and more sinister features, and it becomes more and more difficult to forgive.

The truth is, we all get offended by someone or something at times. We worry about the betrayal of a former lover or because someone treated us unfairly. Such situations are familiar to everyone. However, few people think about how resentment affects a person.

This feeling can be compared to weeds in the garden. They multiply and are eventually able to destroy all the flowers. Even if your resentment is not great, one day it can give rise to negative shoots. But no one needs such surprises. So let's find out why we should get rid of such annoying and dangerous weeds.

Resentment turns to anger

Anger is a terribly unpleasant state both for those around you and for the person experiencing it. Just imagine yourself with your face contorted with anger, reddened and your hands clenched into fists. You feel the strength to, like the Hulk, slam your opponent with one left. Moreover, it is very difficult for you to restrain yourself. Therefore, do not accumulate grievances so that one day they do not turn into anger.

Harm to the body

Resentment can lead to the following conditions:

• headache;
• exacerbation of chronic diseases;
• insomnia and increased tendency to drink alcohol or even drugs;
• high blood pressure, heart attack, stroke;
• skin problems.

Moral injury

The consequences of resentment are not limited to just physical problems. So, if you get rid of this feeling, your stress and anxiety levels will decrease. Constant talking, thinking, worrying about the future and past experiences greatly tires our brain. When you hold grudges, you strain your mind even more. As a result, you are constantly in an excited state and cannot enjoy life. This entails a tendency to develop bad habits and can lead to mental health problems. Forgiveness will give you peace of mind.

Resentment destroys relationships

If you are overcome by a feeling of resentment, then eventually your emotions may burst out, resulting in verbal insults or even some kind of physical actions. Of course, your colleagues, friends or relatives are unlikely to like this behavior. After all, you will take out your grievances and anger on people who are completely innocent of this. Therefore, part with this feeling, and you will see how much more harmonious your relationships with loved ones will become.

Resentment dulls our instincts

We are all born with instincts that are designed to help us survive. Thus, animals always know when to run away from predators, blind kittens are able to find their mother by smell, etc. As for a person, the feeling of resentment he experiences can harm the mind, suppressing it. As a result, our instincts become dulled because we are too busy thinking about the person who harmed us in some way.

Resentment develops ignorance

Resentment arises from ignorance or inability to understand certain things. How often do people say: “I was treated unfairly”, “I can’t believe he said that about me”, “Why did she get the promotion and I stayed in my job because I’m better?”, “It’s not fair.” that my loved one stopped loving me and preferred someone else,” etc. After analyzing these phrases, you can understand that they are all aimed at protecting the precious personality of a person who is offended by something or someone. The reason for this is ignorance, which does not allow us to see things as they really are.

Forgiveness will make your life better

When we constantly switch from one thought to another in a fog of resentment, this state can end up filling up most of our lives. However, if you accept that you are the source of your own emotional well-being, even if things don't work out the way you wanted, you will see changes for the better. Moreover, they will concern both the spiritual and physical spheres. Don't focus on the past. After all, it has no effect on your life today. If you have forgiven someone, this does not mean that you have forgotten this or that situation. You just decided to move on and become a happy person.

• Explore your own emotions.
• Seek professional help from a psychologist.
• Develop empathy for others.
• Goodbye, but don't try to forget.
• Think about your family.
• Focus on facts, not emotions.
• Write down three positive things you learned from a negative situation.
• Accept what happened as a fact and let it go.
• Live for today, and don't bother yourself with past events.
• Practice meditation on a regular basis.

If your mind is in harmony, then so will your life. Of course, things don't always happen exactly the way we want them to. Sometimes this can be difficult to accept. However, if the storm of emotions is replenished with a feeling of resentment, then our minds cannot escape the storm. Bear with the storm and you will be able to find a lifeboat even in heavy waves.

Despite the fact that a man is a male and a hunter, he is still a vulnerable and gentle creature. Of course, it may be more difficult to offend him than a woman, but it is still possible, no matter how brutal he may seem. There is no need for generalizations here; it all depends on individual character traits. Some say that everything is worth forgiving, since the offense is painful, but you should not forget about the offense. Others claim that they do not forgive because they are not offended at all. Still others believe that you can always forgive everything, but not too often. Anyway, these are the words...

Therefore, dear girls, you should remember a few important things if you do not want to lose a loved one.
It goes without saying that the most serious problem is treason. And this, by the way, applies to the entire human race. In essence, this is betrayal, and you cannot prove otherwise. This is humiliation for a man, a blow to his pride. In some cases, he can forgive, stepping over his pride, but he is unlikely to be able to forget the fact itself. Here the outcome of events is unpredictable, but most likely sooner or later it will lead to a breakup - primarily due to distrust. Therefore, you should think carefully before getting involved in such an adventure. Moreover, the statement “if he loves, he will forgive” is inappropriate here; it seems to me that this is a weak excuse.

Indifference will also be a serious offense. If a man feels unwanted, he will most likely withdraw. Some will do this with noise and fireworks, while others will do it through silent depression. In any case, it will be easier for him to find another woman than to deal with mental anguish and suspicion. This also applies to demonstrating superiority, which can manifest itself in financial security, career growth, or some skills. A woman must still feed her partner’s confidence; he must believe in himself, move forward and develop. You are his main support. Without a woman, a man is nothing.
Doubts about his uniqueness, and even more so comparison with others, especially ex-boyfriends, will be unpleasant for any guy. This is also a terrible blow to self-esteem. He wants to be the best and the only one for you, and analogies concerning even frivolous things will unsettle him. Again, if you don’t value it, then you don’t need it, and, therefore, it makes sense to go where you will be in demand. And there are still a few more unpleasant moments: insult, self-interest and stupidity. A direct insult in a quarrel can bring a person to a variety of emotions, but definitely not positive ones; you risk touching on a really sore subject. Self-interest will make you doubt your sincerity. Stupidity quickly gets boring and prevents you from taking a person seriously. Again, a man needs a companion who will flatter his pride.