Coprinus for alcoholism. Mushroom coprinus
The husband's drunkenness is a disaster for every family. But when at one moment a woman realizes that her husband doesn’t just drink, that this is real alcoholism, that’s when the search for a solution begins. It’s good if a man understands the problem and wants to get rid of addiction. More often than not, women heads of families fight alcoholism alone. And very often they lose this battle.
What should a wife do if she discovers signs of alcoholism in her beloved man? Consultations with psychologists help you choose the right tactics and avoid typical mistakes that women struggling with alcohol addiction admit loved one. If you are unable to apply for psychological help, take advice from experts.
Frequent questions that wives of alcoholics ask psychologists
Women who turn to psychologists about their spouse's alcoholism often ask the same questions. What should I do to stop my husband from drinking? Is there any hope for saving the marriage, or is divorce inevitable? How to live on if your husband is a binge alcoholic and there is nowhere to go? It all depends on specific situation, but there is also general recommendations, following which increases the chances of defeating alcoholism.
How to help your husband stop drinking alcohol
If a woman wants to help an alcoholic man get rid of his addiction, the first thing to do is to convince him to see a narcologist and/or a psychologist. A specialist working with addictions will be able to help you make a decision about the need for treatment.
But usually husbands refuse to go to see a doctor, and the wife in such a situation is left to resort to refilling medicines. But before giving pills or, consult a narcologist to avoid dangerous consequences. Also you can try folk remedies, spells, prayers.
It's impossible to force your husband to stop drinking, but you can provide the right support:
- have a heart-to-heart talk with your loved one, try to find out what emptiness he is filling with alcohol;
- separate the person and his illness, demonstrate that you value your husband, despite drunkenness;
- create an atmosphere of goodwill;
- cultivate a sober lifestyle in the family;
- find common goal and work together to achieve.
If the husband nevertheless agreed to treatment, it is important to choose correct method. Much depends on the patient’s personality and the sincerity of his desire to quit the addiction. In some cases the most the best option There will be drug coding, which will allow you to maintain an aversion to alcohol for a long period without the need for daily medication.
Prayer is a powerful tool for believers in the fight against alcoholism. Prayer practices help the woman herself to maintain peace of mind if the husband is an alcohol addict.
How to live with an alcoholic husband
Life with a husband who abuses alcohol turns into a real nightmare. In order not to find yourself in the abyss of despair, you must first save yourself, and not the alcoholic. You don't need to do anything super complicated to do this. Simple, targeted actions can bring dramatic changes.
- Avoid drinking alcohol completely, both at home and outside the home.
- Don’t let your life be destroyed - don’t give up on yourself, your interests, plans, goals for the sake of saving your alcoholic husband.
- Protect your own cash savings.
- Accept the fact that your husband may remain dependent and you will have to separate.
- Prepare a platform for living separately in case of divorce.
- Increase the number of positive moments - meet with friends, walk more, devote time to your favorite activities.
All this gradually changes the attitude towards the situation. The wife begins to react differently to life with an alcohol addict. If a divorce does happen, she will be mentally prepared for such an outcome and will adapt to the new life much easier. Often men, seeing internal changes in a woman, they also begin to rethink the situation. And this is the main step towards freedom from alcohol addiction.
How to deal with an alcoholic husband
Wives make a lot of mistakes when dealing with alcoholic husbands. A codependent state does not allow a woman to escape the “vicious circle.” In her relationship with her alcohol-addicted husband, she alternately plays the roles of victim, rescuer and accuser. None of these positions are constructive. So how to deal with an alcoholic correctly?
- Remember that you are not a mother or a nanny. Let your drinking husband solve his problems himself.
- Communicate with your spouse not with emotions, but with arguments.
- Don't control your spouse, don't check.
- Don't throw tantrums, especially if your husband is drunk.
- Do not feel sorry for the alcoholic and do not run for beer when your spouse wants to get over his hangover.
- Stop hiding the problem from family and friends.
- Do not tolerate physical or emotional abuse.
Any manifestations of violence are a very serious call. You should not justify your husband’s behavior by being drunk. If an alcoholic beats his wife, children, relatives, the relationship must be ended immediately! You also don't have to endure verbal bullying. It is necessary to make it clear to the spouse that violence in any form is unacceptable, and that in this case there is only one ending - divorce.
How to leave an alcoholic husband
Women tolerate their husbands' drunkenness for various reasons. Some hope that their husband will be able to get rid of alcohol addiction. Others are trying to save their family for the sake of their children. Still others simply have no idea how to live on their own. A woman can remain in such illusions for many years, and only when patience reaches extreme point, decides to file for divorce.
If the “point of no return” has been passed and you decide to leave the alcoholic, try to calm down your emotions and take the following steps:
- Solve housing and financial issues. Usually, many people stop at this point, believing that there is no way to live without a husband, especially if the living space belongs to him. But even in such situations there is always a way out. Take your time, prepare the necessary basis before leaving your alcoholic spouse forever.
- Tell your husband you are filing for divorce(if he is drunk, wait until he sobers up). But don’t make such statements a “scarecrower” - usually it only works once or twice. Then the husband realizes that the threats are empty and no one is going to divorce him.
- After divorce, minimize contact. Refuse meetings, do not accept gifts. If possible, temporarily change your place of residence and telephone numbers. This is especially necessary if the husband shows aggression. But for a woman, this period of “reboot”, getting used to life without a husband, is also important.
- Process your emotions. In many cases, after leaving an alcoholic, women experience relief. But absolutely opposite reactions are also possible. From time to time or constantly, the ex-wife feels anxious about ex-spouse, feels guilt, remorse, resentment, anger. The emotional spectrum is extremely diverse. But whatever emotions you experience, do not suppress them within yourself.
After divorce ex-husband He can terrorize his wife, threaten him, or vice versa - ask for forgiveness, promise not to drink ever, and make attempts to restore relations. Should you return to your ex-spouse? Only if he underwent treatment and really stopped drinking. But when your ex-husband continues to drink and feeds you with promises that everything will change after he returns, forget about this person and start your life from scratch.
If the husband is a tyrant, aggressive, during alcohol intoxication Raises his hands on his wife or children - this is very good reason get a divorce.
Take the first step! You can wait your whole life for your husband to admit that he is an alcoholic. If the patient does not want to admit the presence of the disease, treatment can be carried out without his knowledge. Consult a narcologist regarding taking medications that can be added to food and drinks (Kolme, AlkoStop and similar drugs).
Find support! Out of shame, the wife of an alcoholic sometimes does not tell anyone about her husband’s alcoholism, not even close relatives. Another common option is that women complain about hard fate everyone. In both cases, the woman does not receive the necessary help. Go to an in-person consultation, join the Al-Anon group, register on the codependent forum - there you will receive valuable advice and quality support.
Increase your self-esteem! Without exception, all women living with alcoholics have severely low self-esteem. Use everything possible ways: take care of yourself, focus on achievements, praise yourself, do something nice every day just for yourself.
Put up barriers to negativity! The wives of men who drink are emotionally exhausted. Communication with negative people, watching sad films, reading the news only intensifies the “everything is bad” state. Make a habit of seeking joy every day, protect your peace and tranquility.
Video
Have you tried many methods, but your husband continues to drink alcohol? After watching this video, you will find out effective way make him say goodbye bad habit. The psychologist offers an action plan to help the husband overcome alcohol addiction, and the wife to overcome codependency on her alcoholic husband.
In a healthy unit of society called “family”, peace and love should reign. It is true, but for the first time. When young spouses are in love, their other half seems ideal and without flaws, they swear to each other eternal love and loyalty. What happens next? When the veil of “blind” love falls, shortcomings and negative traits partner.
Most families break up in the first year or two after the wedding. But such divorces, as a rule, are easy psychologically, since a strong habit towards the other half has not yet been formed and established. In addition, in the first years of marriage, the spouses had not yet managed to acquire common property or have children.
But if you have ten years of marriage behind you, where will you get the strength to leave your husband? To begin with, you should calm down, distance yourself from emotions and think with a cool head. Maybe not everything is so hopeless? After all, relationships, and especially family, are hard work that lasts a lifetime. And your spouse is your personal choice. Remember yourself before marriage. Were you happy with this person? What has changed? Has the person changed? No. Your vision of this person has changed. Think about whether it’s worth leaving or whether you can fix everything, return your old love and passion.
If you have clearly decided for yourself that you no longer want to connect your life with this man, then you need strong arguments in order to leave your husband. After all, after a divorce, life will become more difficult: you need to raise children alone, deal with the division of common property (if any), be independent in financially and strong psychologically.
Why do marriages end in divorce?
According to statistics, 80% of marriages end in divorce. It turns out that out of ten marriages only two survive! What are these scary numbers? Why are there so many divorces?
A time when parents taught their little princesses feminine wisdom, and the growing knights of male nobility have already passed. Nowadays, unfortunately, sincere feelings replaced the relationship market. Modern young ladies in most cases choose a companion based on the size of his wallet. And men, in turn, do not value or respect the future mothers of their children.
And there are often couples where a girl under the age of eighteen or twenty is already a mother, without having the proper skills in housekeeping and raising children. Young people have no idea what the institution of family is. But family is Full time job over the relationship between two spouses.
A common cause of divorce is alcohol abuse. Romantic young man ready stars taken from the sky turns into a banal alcoholic. What is the fault? Only you can know this. After all, alcoholics are not born, they are made. Is it worth living with a drinking husband, or getting rid of him? It depends on what you want to achieve in life. If you are building prospects, then don’t even think about it. You need to get rid of your drinking husband. Of course, before that, try to help him stop drinking. But if there is no result, give it up.
Serious reasons for leaving
How to break up with an alcoholic husband
A large percentage of divorces occur due to alcohol abuse by the spouse. Alcoholism is a major problem modern people. It is very painful to look at a drinking husband, who every day gets more and more bogged down in blue existence.
Stages of development of alcoholism
Peaceful solution to the problem
If your spouse drinks alcohol and you are not happy with it, then tell him about it directly. Offer to talk, identify the problem and find a solution together. Offer to see a specialist for alcohol addiction treatment. If talking doesn’t help and your husband continues to drink on a daily basis, not wanting to change anything, then tell him that such a situation could destroy the family.
Most likely, your announcement of a breakup will not affect your husband’s behavior in any way. If a drunk man behaves inappropriately, shouts obscenities, uses physical violence, then run away from him boldly! Think about whether it’s worth ruining your life because of a drunk. Yes, before it was a loving and beloved man from whom you accepted a marriage proposal. But don't fool yourself, look around. That man is no longer there, and in front of you is a male creature in a drunken delirium.
If you have children, then think about them first! Don't want to deprive your baby of his dad? Yes, it’s better that your baby rarely sees his father, but sober and caring, than always drunk and inadequate. Take care of your psyche little man, because it is just being formed and is extremely unstable. The child is small and does not understand why daddy drinks, screams and swears all the time. She worries when she sees her parents’ daily scandals and understands that she can’t help. Give your baby a chance to forget this horror, live, grow and develop in a calm and loving environment.
If you're afraid of scandal
If you are afraid that, having learned about your decision to leave, your spouse will cause a brawl, a scandal, or raise his hand against you, then do it in his absence. Surely he will leave home at least to the store for a bottle of vodka. Leave him a note, take the children (if you have them), the necessary things and leave.
Don't answer calls or change your number mobile phone. Don't have any contact with him, just file for divorce. Most likely, he will start asking you to change your mind, making vows that everything will change and he will stop drinking. Don't believe it. The world's women's experience shows that for the most part such men do not change and after family reunification everything returns to normal. Do not give in to persuasion, be firm and decisive.
Dear ladies, love and value yourself and your time. If you see that life with your spouse has become simply unbearable, then do not torment yourself and your children. Leave boldly and without looking back. To a new bright future.
Attention, TODAY only!
“I hate my husband, but I need this emotional swing.” How relatives of alcoholics seek help and support from people like them.
Outside the window is the monastery garden. On bare branches - lonely apples cling tightly to life. Inside in the red corner are icons. Nearby on the walls are posters about the dangers of alcohol. In the center of the room is a table around which they gather every week. Mostly women. Although, they say, no, no, and men come.
Today there are six of them at the table, not counting me.
“Hi, I'm Anna. “I am a relative of an alcoholic,” says the woman at the head of the table. “Hello, Anna,” the others respond in unison. “Let's remember our rules,” Anna suggests. And everyone takes turns reading out something like a charter.
I catch myself thinking that I ended up either in a sect or in the famous “ Fight club" But no, this is a community of relatives and friends of alcoholics. They call themselves Al-Anon. They say there are dozens of people like this group in Belarus. Mainly at churches and churches, at hospitals and dispensaries.
Formally, they do not have main ones. There are no psychologists and therapists to help and guide. Here everyone is equal. They just meet once a week to talk, listen, and go their separate ways. Everyone is in their own personal hell, which they dream of one day turning into paradise.
“I hate my husband, he is not the hero of my novel,” says a young woman who calls herself Rose.
Most of the names at the meeting are fictitious. And although tomorrow these women may bump into each other on the streets of a small provincial town, they will probably pretend that they do not know each other.
“I never thought that alcohol would burst into my life. But it happened,” Rose continues. She admits that she came to Al-Anon to cure her husband, but then realized that she herself was sick.
Rosa and others believe that what happened to them family tragedies(husbands and children drinking and playing) - “for a reason.” That even if they divorce and remove sources of pain from their lives, they will not become happier. This means that the problem lies with them.
“I need this emotional swing,” says Rose.
Others echo her, talking about how many times they tried to treat “their own.” Coding, filing, clinics...
By expert assessments, about 1 million people in Belarus abuse alcoholic drinks. 263 thousand Belarusians are registered in drug treatment clinics.
They seem to know everything about alcoholism. And even a little more. For them, the alcoholism of loved ones is a cross that is always somewhere nearby. But you can live with him, women believe, and even be happy. The main thing is to cure your own emotional illness, “immature perception” of life with its problems.
By “mature perception” they understand a “normal” reaction to grievances, getting rid of fears, the ability to manage one’s life and not take responsibility for the illness of another.
They put a file in front of me with twelve steps of the program printed on it. I'm reading. Seriously? If anyone gets to the last step, he needs to go to a Buddhist monastery, no less.
As if in response to my thoughts, a priest in a dark robe enters the room. “Oh, here is an enlightened person who has overcome passions within himself,” I think.
“Hi, I'm Agapius. Priest" - "Hello, Agapius."
Agapius turns out to be “just” one of the group members. Emotionally he talks about how he is offended by his superiors, angry with his brothers in the monastery, and fights with himself for the right to have desires and interests. The others listen carefully.
The rules of the group are not to discuss, comment or give advice. They come here just to talk. A kind of group emotional striptease without the right to touch or words of comfort. Free psychotherapy for those who cannot afford to see a specialist.
They are crying. One by one. For the tenth time in front of people they talk about their pain and cry. On the next table are napkins and bottles of sedative. But when the next one of them swallows tears, the rest are silent and carefully write something down in their notebooks. The crying woman goes to get the napkins herself.
“I’ve been going to Al-Anon for nine years. Lord, when will recovery and joy of life come to me?” - a woman over fifty breaks down.
It seems that in this group, self-love and self-flagellation are two sides of the same coin.
“I am not responsible for the life my husband (son, brother) chose,” they say. And then: “I want my life to miraculously change.” To do this, you just need to “reboot”, cleanse your soul, love yourself and get rid of hopes and expectations in relation to other people.
They say that someone succeeds. Those who reach the 12th stage become mentors (sponsors). Some of those present already have such mentors. You can call them at any time of the day or night. You can talk to them whenever you want, not on a schedule. They are often former alcoholics themselves who know about the disease from the inside.
Sponsors and the group seem to be the only way for these women to open up and be themselves. In the family, they are constant fighters for happiness, tamers of dangerous animals, peacemakers and manipulators. In the group there are individuals immersed in self-contemplation and introspection, looking their fears in the face.
“I am an individual, I have my own desires, my own interests. I want to go back to myself. I don’t know anything other than life with my husband,” says Rosa. And he admits that he prays to God “for the gift of self-love.”
The older woman sitting opposite seems to be answering my thoughts.
“I lived with my alcoholic husband for 25 years. I went to a psychologist, and he said: “Leave him.” Gone. But she didn’t become any happier. Now we've been together again for two years. But now, thanks to Al-Anon, I think about it differently. Prayer helps a lot,” she says.
A bell rings in the room, there is a pause for monastery tea and cookies brought from home, and the women seem to come out of a trance. Other emotions appear on their faces, and lively notes appear in their voices. It seems that a little more - and they will start sharing recipes for pies.
The illness of these women is well known to psychologists and psychotherapists. It's called "codependency."
Codependency is a deep preoccupation, both emotional, physical and social connection with another person. In fact, weak women who cannot pull their loved ones out of the whirlpool (simply because these loved ones are comfortable in the whirlpool), take on an impossible heroic mission, close themselves off from the world and selflessly “rescue”.
“We call it care and love, but in our care and love we cross all conceivable and unimaginable boundaries,” says Anna. “We can even go against our own convictions, against morality and the law, just to “spread straws” for our loved ones.”
By “we,” Anna and her unfortunate friends also mean parents of alcohol addicts. And their spouses. And brothers and sisters. And children. In general, the entire close circle of addicts. Those who hide and shield their sick out of shame. Those who feed and wash them. Those who are looking for doctors and medicine for them, hoping for a miracle. Those who take responsibility for other people's lives.
According to WHO, in Belarus per capita, including infants and old people, there are 15 liters of pure alcohol per year.
As a rule, such people are anxious, impulsive, touchy, do not consider themselves worthy of happiness and love, strive for total control and place excessive obligations on themselves and others.
Experts are still arguing whether this personality state is a pathology, but they clearly agree that it is possible to cope with codependency. However, for this, the codependent, like the dependent himself, must realize his problem. And understand the difference between love for a loved one and pseudo-good behavior, when a person unconsciously takes on other people’s problems in order to feel like a sought-after hero.
The women at the table say that this realization did not come immediately. Some people, even after joining Al-Anon, simply remained silent and listened for several months, and then “off and on.”
“It went” means that they began to climb the stairs, consisting of 12 steps. On Thursdays and Saturdays, adult children of alcoholics climb a similar ladder in the same room. Every day, several tens of kilometers from here, alcoholics themselves crawl along it. The latter, however, have professional mentors nearby. “My” women help themselves. Who said you can't be Munchausen and pull yourself out of the swamp by your tail?
An ideal option when, even in different places This staircase is stormed by all family members, but this, as a rule, does not happen.
The break ends and the group returns to discussing the topic of today's meeting - grievances. Each of them has a notebook in their hands, where thoughts on the topic are carefully written down. Those who have already reached this stage draw a whole map of grievances at home. On it are years, names, the essence of what remains in memory and personal conclusions for today.
On the table are translated quotation books taken from the founders of the methodology from overseas. People turn to them when their words and thoughts are not enough.
The main conclusion of those who remember is: “It could have been different.” They also talk about inflated expectations, that planning something in life, especially involving others in your plans, is a sure way to pain and resentment. About the fact that it is stupid to think that you are the king and god in your family.
They talk about God especially often in the monastery. They rely on him, turn to him, expect love from him. They thank him for the suffering he sent. So, that’s what he wanted...
It seems that if it were not for the children and families outside the monastery walls, these women would have remained here. But at home there are unfinished business. There may already be drunken children and spouses at home, who, whether you like it or not, will have to be rescued, fed, and clothed.
Next time we will discuss fears.
Codependency is a disease of love
Are support group meetings valid without participation? professional psychologists and psychotherapists can be effective? Is it possible to get rid of codependency by being in constant contact with addicts? And is it possible to save love and a good relationship in a family where everything is falling apart?
The general principle of support groups is communication with people who find themselves in a similar situation. Psychologist Olga Kravtsova believes that here a person can see how different people cope with circumstances similar to those in which he himself found himself.
“Sometimes this is no less important than communicating with someone who knows “how it should be done.” Something helps you realize, as if seeing yourself from the outside. Often a person in stressful situation believes that “this could only happen to me” (“... because I’m an idiot”), “everything is always wrong with me”, “I always get into something”, but here you see that people are different , and for some reason found themselves in a similar crisis,” Olga Kravtsova told the Journal.
That is why in support groups you can learn new methods of struggle, you can get feedback, understand that you are “not the first and not the last” in such a situation, and there is actually a way out of it. And that you need to take responsibility for this decision, make an informed choice.
Psychologist Maria Volkova agrees that there can be some benefit from meetings between codependents, but only on condition that the person actually understands the depth of his problems and is ready to work on them, and not just “compare like others.”
“The problem here is the same as with self-medication. You can simply get caught up in comparing symptoms and making diagnoses, and there will be no improvement. Codependency has a complex mechanism of emergence and development, it’s not for nothing that it is called the disease of love,” says Maria Volkova.
Refusing the painful manifestation of feelings, the role of a person whose desires and interests are subordinated to another, a sick person, is a task that is better dealt with with outside help.
“If you admit your powerlessness over a loved one’s illness, the inability to solve his problem for him is not the most difficult stage. And sooner or later, many relatives of addicts come to this conclusion. But in order to understand the root of the problem, to figure out why you don’t give a damn about your life, why it is important for you to maintain this painful relationship, what you are sacrificing and whether this needs to be done, you need a specialist,” Maria Volkova is convinced.
However, the psychologist advises doing all this only if there is no direct threat to the life and health of the other members in the family where the person with addiction lives.
“If you are being beaten, if you are experiencing psychological violence, if you are afraid for the safety of your children, then pack your bags. You can analyze your reactions, the presence or absence of love for an addict, even away from him,” the psychologist insists.
What is Al-Anon?
Al-Anon Family Groups are a community of relatives and friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength of spirit and hope with each other in order to solve common problems. They believe that alcoholism is a family disease and that changing attitudes can help recovery.
Idea family groups almost as old as the commonwealth" Alcoholics Anonymous" In the mid-1940s, Al-Anon was created by relatives of AA members to try to use the 12-step addiction recovery program to solve their own problems.
Twelve Steps of Al-Anon
Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, that we had lost control of ourselves.
Step Two: Come to the belief that only a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.
Step Three: Decided to turn our will and our lives over to God as we understood Him.
Step Four: Take a deep and fearless moral assessment of yourself and your life.
Step Five: Admit to God, ourselves, and some other person the true nature of our errors.
Step Six: Prepare yourself fully for God to remove all of our shortcomings.
Step Seven: Humbly ask Him to correct our shortcomings.
Step Eight: We made a list of all those people whom we had harmed, and were filled with the desire to make amends to them.
Step Nine: Personally make amends for the damage caused to these people wherever possible, except in cases where it could harm them or someone else.
Step Ten: Continued self-analysis and, when we made mistakes, immediately admitted it.
Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to deepen contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us to do and for the power to do it.
Step Twelve: Having achieved the spiritual awakening that these Steps brought about, we tried to convey the meaning of our ideas to others and apply these principles in all our affairs.
What's in the article:
Alcoholism – complex problem and disease modern world, from which not only the person suffers, but also his close people. More often than not, men become victims of alcohol. From the once imposing, charming, attentive young man a degraded creature is formed. Over time, when the situation does not change in better side, the wife of an alcoholic is trying to find a way out of the situation: leave the alcoholic forever and start new life or stay and try to get her husband out of trouble and save the family.
How to recognize alcoholism?
On first stage disease, the body becomes addicted to alcohol. The husband may be angry and irritable if he does not get his next dose. Often this state begins with one bottle of beer every day or frequent feasts with friends and employees.
Second stage, from which it is very difficult to get out, is characterized by an increase in the volume of alcohol consumed. The husband may have binges and severe hangovers. Family and children fade into the background. An alcoholic never admits his problem.
Third stage can become irreversible for moral and physical health: the chances of quitting binge drinking drop by 100%, serious illnesses appear: nervous disorders, cirrhosis of the liver, the chances of stroke and heart attack increase. Such husbands no longer have normal appearance, old friends began to move away from them. Only those who share their passion remain. Until this time, they remain unemployed, sometimes they steal or take precious things out of the house in order to get another portion of alcohol.
Causes of alcoholism
The husband was not an avid alcoholic, but only started drinking a month or a year ago? Perhaps you should not act rashly and decide to immediately leave the alcoholic with your children, but it is better to find out the reason for what is happening. IN as a last resort, consult a psychologist.
There can be dozens of possible problems, but most often these are:
- Violation of the relationship between husband and wife.
Here we must agree that the reason for drunkenness may also be in the wife. She often nags her husband for all the little things that disrupt their life together, old feelings fade away, and her once beloved husband consists of nothing but shortcomings. If a man doesn't strong character, he will rarely fight to restore the family, but will find himself in a glass, which will become a reason for a woman to leave an avid alcoholic.
- Professional fall. My husband was demoted at work or, even worse, fired. Instead of moving away for a while and starting his career over again, he gives up everything and, addicted to drinking, quickly turns into an alcoholic. Moreover, he may consider himself inferior, since he will not be able to provide for his family for some time.
- Drinking group. The husband does not want to stay away from the team or lose the opportunity career growth, therefore “supports” the company’s employees in everything. In such a situation, a woman must decide for herself what is more important to her: her husband or his career and salary. Perhaps at this stage she is already thinking: should she leave her alcoholic husband?
- Low self-esteem. A man cannot attract the attention of not only a woman, but also his colleagues. And I want to be popular and recognized. For some husbands, the only right way out is to look into the glass and forget about everything.
- Genetic predisposition. Psychologists consider such situations to be very difficult, but solvable. If a wife knows about such a family problem, then at the first sign she needs to save her husband (if, of course, there is a desire to save the family and not leave the tyrant-alcoholic).
A woman must decide for herself: to stay and save her husband and family or to leave and start life over. It all depends on how the husband behaves, whether he shows aggression or tyranny, what is his attitude towards his wife or children? It is necessary to compare all the advantages and disadvantages of such a situation.
If you can’t solve this on your own, the advice of psychologists can always help.
If a woman decides to stay
According to statistics, many wives make an attempt to stay before leaving an alcoholic because they love or are strongly attached to them. In this case, the family plot develops in three ways:
- The wife is trying with all her might to pull her husband away from the glass, because she loves him and wants to bring him back to the family.
- The woman “supports” her husband and also turns into an alcoholic (which happens very rarely).
- Everything remains in the same place: the husband does not give in to change, and the wife tolerates his drunken antics so that the children have a father.
Steps a woman should take
If a woman decides to stay, then she must understand that her task is to return her husband to his former life.
- Seek advice from a psychologist. Often he helps to understand the situation from a professional perspective, to find the real reasons for the unpleasant situation.
- Protect a man’s thoughts and attention from alcohol products: it should not be at home, if possible at the table with friends. If your friends are real, then they will only help in this situation. It is worth excluding possible provoking factors for the husband: constant domestic scandals, swearing, asking the husband or not to support employees in partying or changing jobs. The wife should avoid talking about his “dark” past as much as possible.
- The husband must realize his problem and the desire to correct it. First of all, the desire to return to normal life he must have it. Psychologists do not advise surrounding your husband with 100% comfort and indulging him in everything during the period of recovery from binge drinking or treatment.
If the wife decides to stay, she must accept that fighting for her husband will become part of her daily routine for a while.
Why is a woman afraid to leave her husband?
If you have firmly stated about divorce, before leaving your alcoholic husband, you should not constantly remind your husband about this or retreat, even if you have fears. To establish a normal life, you need to fight them, and not be afraid.
If a wife decides to leave an alcoholic man
Life without a husband will become new turning point in a woman's life.
- You need to think carefully about this position and decide to take a serious step. Constant threats and promises to quit mean nothing to him. Alcoholics stop responding to them. Need to firm decision, which a woman cannot change and will not “melt” from her husband’s request to stay.
- Don't be fooled by men's tears and promises. If a woman stays at her husband’s request, the effect of ideality will be short-lived, until the next binge. And then - a vicious circle.
- Think about yourself and the children, don’t pay attention to his conversations that no one needs a woman with or without children, that he is only person who will really love her, that his wife is an integral part of his life. Such pleas and threats are nothing more than the talent of the husband as an actor and pressure on pity. In addition, we should not forget that the health of alcoholic men deteriorates very quickly and his acquired diseases will fall on the shoulders of the woman. A husband who often drinks alcohol is in his own world; even the brain of such people works differently; they do not listen to other people’s opinions and advice.
By staying with her alcoholic husband for the sake of the children, a woman gives the go-ahead to the subconscious formation of an incorrect model in the child. family relations. In most cases, children copy the behavior of their parents and in the future will raise their children using the same methods. This factor is especially important for girls who choose men who look like their dad as husbands.
An alcoholic husband is a problem in the family and a real test for a woman who both loves him and has lost the strength to endure his antics. Such situations are very complex and you should not rely on advice or personal experience sisters-friends. The final decision is made by the wife. If she is unable to do this on her own, there are many organizations and centers that are ready to help such people with advice, return them to normal life and restore self-confidence. You just need to react to the situation in a timely manner, make a little effort, and the terrible realities will be left behind.
A woman does not need to reproach herself for not being able to save her family. You shouldn’t sacrifice yourself and love a person who will never appreciate it all your life.
Alcoholism is one of the most terrible problems of our time. If a man suffers from this disease, Negative consequences always concern his family. Over the years, the woman realizes that the person next to her is no longer the same person, but a personality who is gradually degrading. Alcoholics cannot be interested in family problems, raising children, or providing normal living conditions for their households.
Every woman who is unlucky enough to be the wife of an alcoholic thinks about what to do next. Some are trying to fight for the life of their beloved spouse. But in some cases this turns out to be useless. Alcohol addiction, heavy drinking bouts - it is possible that a man, in a fit of drunken stupor, can hit his wife or child. No one can tolerate physical violence.
The main thing is not to miss the moment when the spouse reaches the stage of alcoholic degradation and ceases to perceive reality normally. Things may not be so bad at first.
It all usually starts with drinking a glass with dinner, and not every day. But a glass of vodka or a bottle of beer every day is already the first stage of the disease. If a man does not receive the usual dose of alcohol, he becomes lethargic and irritable. Petty quarrels over all sorts of trifles can occur in the family.
If appropriate measures are not taken at this point, alcoholism will progress to new stage development. At the second stage, the amount of alcohol consumed increases. This period is also characterized by:
- Binges.
- Severe hangover.
The man is no longer interested in work, hobbies and family, but he stubbornly refuses treatment.
Then the next stage begins, which is accompanied by the development of serious diseases internal organs, mental disorders and leads to inevitable personality degradation. Living with such a person is very dangerous.
A man in the final stages of alcoholism suffers from sudden attacks of rage. It can cause physical harm not only to the spouse, but also to the children.
Moral violence is no less a terrible test than physical violence. The constantly oppressive situation in the family, the inability to share common problems with your spouse - all this greatly undermines nervous system. If you have children, the situation only gets worse. Any child feels that something wrong is happening, sees his mother’s tears and is very worried. This can negatively affect the child's psyche.
Look at loved one, which degrades right before our eyes very hard. The once beloved spouse changes every day, aggravating his situation and destroying family life.
Despite the constant binges, you need to try to explain to your spouse that further drunkenness will completely destroy them life together. But you shouldn’t expect that a man will seriously think about your words and stop drinking every minute. There are such positive stories, but they are a minority.
Man suffering from alcohol addiction, very rarely admits that he is sick and in need of help. Alcoholics believe that they can quit their addiction at any time without much difficulty.
Alcohol abuse is the result of dissatisfaction with life. You need to understand that even a man who quit drinking may not get rid of eternal apathy. It will be very difficult to restore normal relations with him. In such a situation, it is better for a woman to gather courage and leave her alcoholic husband. This decision is not easy for many, but it will be the only correct one in the current difficult situation.
First you need to look at the problem from a different point of view. You once loved this man, but he lost your trust and destroyed your normal family life. It turns out that your spouse has lost the chance to win your love again. And you shouldn't feel sorry for him. It is necessary to switch attention to yourself and the child. The man himself made the choice in favor of alcohol, and he can no longer count on it.
Some women are forced to live with an alcoholic husband because they have children together. And this is very strange, because a drunken alcoholic certainly cannot make a normal father.
The man will not be able to submit good example children, but the possibility of harm to their psyche and physical health. A child should not be traumatized by the sight of a constantly drunk father.
This is a completely natural question for a woman who has decided to leave her husband, but does not understand how best to do it.
First of all, you need to clarify your relationship with your spouse. Let him know that you were expecting some changes on his part, but you don’t see any other option other than divorce. Here you need to prepare for resistance. A man may beg you to stay and promise that he will definitely stop drinking. But it would be wrong to believe such promises. Alcoholics are very resourceful and will do anything to keep the person from whom they can take money for alcohol.
True, in some cases a man can come to his senses to try to return his beloved wife. You should not answer his calls or agree to meetings. After you return, he may start drinking again. Giving your spouse another chance is pointless.
According to statistics most of women return to their spouses to try to establish a life together. But in the end everything repeats itself from the beginning. After some time, the man goes on a drinking binge again, and the woman realizes that she made a mistake.
Some representatives of the fairer sex just can’t decide to serious conversation or are simply afraid of their alcoholic husband. If the situation reaches a dead end:
- Just pack your things and leave the house while your spouse is away.
- You can leave him a note explaining your departure.
- It is advisable to change your phone number, as your ex-husband may be looking for you.
Such drastic measures are usually taken by women whose life with an alcoholic becomes a real torment. A man's behavior can cross all boundaries.
There is no need to think for a long time, doubt and waste precious time. A man can even stop drinking for a while, get coded, and undergo treatment. But there is no guarantee that these measures will be enough to completely get rid of alcohol addiction. Is it worth imagining what will happen to you and the children if he breaks down again? Such thoughts usually sober up women and do not allow them to make another mistake about their ex-spouse.
To begin a new life
A new life without an alcoholic husband should begin with a new circle of acquaintances. It wouldn’t hurt to visit a special psychological center to calm your nerves and communicate with interesting people– women who have similar problems. It is very important to know that there are people who understand and support you.
In some situations, even an official divorce cannot free you from the constant visits of your ex-spouse with threats, pleas or scandals. Any woman will feel shame in such a case, but it is not she who should feel ashamed, but the man.
You cannot allow yourself to doubt the correctness of the decision made, because you need to start a new life without ballast, which is your alcoholic ex-husband. It is unacceptable to suffer because of this person, to torture yourself and your children.
If you feel the slightest uncertainty about the decision taken, change your place of residence so that the past no longer invades your life. Don't worry that people will be looking for you forever. It is possible that the man will very soon find new passion and will only ruin her life.
Women have little faith in their strength, in the fact that they can live without the person they once loved. But you have to believe it. It is necessary to focus on positive aspects new life. Now you can freely communicate with your friends, in front of whom you were previously ashamed. You can also calmly raise and raise a child, meet relatives, relax and work.
Moral liberation from the oppression of a former spouse is the beginning of the path to a new and happy life, where a new wonderful feeling will definitely await you.